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[levelshift]

[It's the default request to leave a message that comes with every voicemail. Accelerator hasn't bothered to change it.]

{ Audio | Video | Text | Action }

Comments

[reneger]

because i like you

[levelshift]

[????????????????????

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Fuck you.

[reneger]

harsh

[levelshift]

What the hell do you expect? Something nice? I'm not a nice person.

[reneger]

i know
that's why i like you

[levelshift]

[GGGGGgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. He nearly types out 'fuck off' again.]

Stop texting that. And stop thinking it.

[reneger]

you're a good kid
i like having you around

[levelshift]

I'm not a 'good kid.' You should know that.

And I'm not going to any birthdays. Those things are for the friends and family of whoever's having the birthday, even I know that, and I've only ever said two fucking sentences to your brother.

[reneger]

he likes you, too

you're one of mine anyway
and a good kid

[levelshift]

I seriously fucking doubt that.

[That... what.]

I'm what?

[reneger]

you don't think i'd trust just anyone to drive my bike while i'm half out of it, do you?

[levelshift]

That doesn't mean anything. It's just a stupid motorcycle, and you weren't thinking straight.

[reneger]

i love that bike more than i love most people
so no, it's not just a stupid motorcycle
i was thinking straight enough

[levelshift]

Then stop feeling that way. It's wrong.

[reneger]

i can feel however i want

[levelshift]

Then I'm telling you your feelings are bullshit and objectively wrong.

ring ring

[reneger]

( fuck it.

he's raising the phone up to his ear and dialing accelerator. )

[levelshift]

[..... Is he seriously calling him.

Accelerator pauses and stares down at his phone as it buzzes, debating whether or not to answer. But he doesn't want to risk Jason tracking him down for a talk, so he answers it. Reluctantly.]

Tche, no one uses a phone for phone calls anymore.

[reneger]

I'm not texting this 'cause I know you're not taking me seriously. I want you to hear it, an' I'm in shit shape - so do us both a favor and save me from tracking you down, will you? 'cause I swear if you hang up, I'll come find you and make you listen.

[levelshift]

....

[He should be difficult and just bolt out of the city, but he doesn't. As unhappy as he is he doesn't want to make Jason put more stress on himself by hunting him down.]

Fine. Then say whatever it is you want to say.

[reneger]

( his voice softens. loses the edge jason usually speaks with. )

You're a good kid, Ace. You've had a lot of shit things happen to you, and I'm betting you pulled some shit moves to counterbalance it, but none of that is your fault.

( it's the kind of thing jason wanted to be told, when he was younger. he gets it, where accelerator's coming from. and he hates seeing it on him. )

You saved me when I sure as hell didn't deserve it. I've seen how hard you've been trying. When I say you're one of mine - I don't give a damn if you think you deserve it, it's yours.

[levelshift]

[This isn't what he wants to hear.

Of course, every child likes hearing when someone tells them a good kid, regardless of whether they are or not. Accelerator is not exception - he's been praised by fearful scientists for the strength of his ability, but he's rarely ever been told he's a good kid. There's a small part of him that likes it, which is the problem.

He knows he isn't good. He knows he shouldn't like being called good. He knows he's basically lying to Jason by withholding information from him.

He slumps on the couch, burying his face in his hand. The worst part of this is that Jason doesn't even sound angry. It would be a lot easier if he was.]

You're right, I've done a lot of really fucked up stuff. Enough that I know there's no way I can ever make up for it.

[He's utterly miserable, and he's reminded of what Yoshikawa had called him out on, that it's always been easier for him to reject good will from others because accepting it is too frightening.]

I'm not good. I did all of it willingly, too, so you're wrong when you say it isn't my fault. I'm a fucking monster and you can't pretend otherwise.

[reneger]

( before bruce, jason was a scrawny little shit who ran around crime alley holding his chin up high because he knew the moment he let himself falter would be the moment gotham destroyed him. even when he was still in single digits, he knew better. any visible weakness is exploitable, any sign of wanting anything is something someone's going to find a way to use. jason made himself tough, because he needed to be. and when he came back from the dead, he just made himself tougher. worked hard to be terrifying, someone the dealers and mobsters of gotham would learn to fear, because you can't stop crime, you can only control it. )

You're not a monster. ( his voice is still soft, though there's an edge of hurt to it. not anger, not irritation, but more empathetic pain. ) 've dealt with some of the worst kinds of monsters, and you're nothing like 'em. You've done some unforgivable shit, I get it. But you were just a kid. Still are. I know how it feels, to--have that kind of weight on your shoulders. But hell, Ace. ( a breath in, shaky. ) We've all done fucked up things to survive. To get by. Some of us more than others. That doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a survivor.

[levelshift]

[This hurts. Jason is putting so much trust in him that he doesn't deserve, and he's realizing with a sinking feeling that it's his own fault. He hasn't been honest with him, so what the hell can he expect? Of course Jason is going to think he's better than he really is when he doesn't know about the Level 6 Shift experiment and the Sisters.

He says he gets it, and Accelerator wants that to be true. But it isn't. The truth is that whatever Jason thinks he's done, the reality is a thousand times worse.

He grits his teeth, a growl in his voice, because whenever he lets himself get emotional it's always anger that comes out first, even if that isn't exactly what he's feeling.]

No, it doesn't. That'd mean I'm a... goddamnit, that I'm a fucking victim, right? And I'm not that.

[He can't be. If he starts seeing himself like that, then he'll be devaluing the Sisters and what they went through. What he did to them. Even though this is a phone call he's shaking his head, sounding tense.]

You don't know what I've done. You wouldn't be saying any of that shit if you did.

[reneger]

You were abused. You know that, don't you?

( accelerator's childhood wasn't--great. hell, jason's was shit but it wasn't that shit. he knew his mom loved him, even if she was out of it most the time. even if she died on him when he was still small and it left him alone. he still knew what it felt like, to have someone actually care about his well-being.

from what he's heard, it's not something they have in common. )

You were used, manipulated. The people who were supposed to make sure you were safe and happy abandoned you. It doesn't matter what you did. Monsters, the real ones, don't give a shit who they've hurt an' what damage they've caused. They'll go for it again, an' again, 'cause fuck everyone else. If it doesn't benefit 'em, why bother. I don't need to know what it was you did. I can hear you now, which's all I need.