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My old man used to knock me around, before he went off and died in prison. He also taught me how to pick pockets, hot wire cars, steal tires, all the useful shit a kid in crime alley might need.

( he's not sure if it's harder or easier, over the phone. at least jason could quickly press the end button if he needed to. as it is, he figures--accelerator needs this more than jason needs to avoid it. )

I killed a guy before I'd even hit double digits. I wasn't intending on it, but I sure as hell didn't regret it. I almost killed my brothers, several times. An' they didn't do jack shit to deserve it. I was so angry, I just threw that anger 'round at every single goddamn person I could take it out on. Slit Tim's throat, shot him, stabbed him, broke into his place an' beat the shit out of him while telling him he was trash. He wasn't, he's always been better than me. I was the monster. The asshole who went around trying to drag everyone else down with me, 'cause I was full of piss and vinegar and wanted them to feel it.

( his head hits the back of the couch, and jason lets his eyes close. )

I was scared, of what I'd find if I let go of all that anger. Or what I wouldn't find--was there anything left of the kid who'd wanted to try to be something better? ( he's - relating, because jason doesn't know how the hell else to express that he does get it. if anyone told jason he was abused, he'd tell them they're idiots. he's fine. aside from the dying bit and the anger issues he's learned to acknowledge years after the fact, clearly there's nothing wrong with him. his dad was an ass, but that's just how shit is in the bowery. it's normal. the watching over his shoulder constantly--everyone with half a brain in gotham does that. but he can acknowledge it second-hand, like this. )

I ain't looking at you through rose-colored lenses. I can see you're trying. You pulled some fucked up shit in the past, I get it. I have, too. Shit I can never, ever make up for. But if you really were a monster, you wouldn't be sitting there telling me you can't make up for it. Monsters don't care 'bout the damage they've done. Mistakes're human.

....

[It feels invasive - wrong to be hearing all of this from Jason. These are things you keep between family, maybe close friends. Not some abrasive brat you've decided has things in common with you, one who's actively trying to push you away. Even if hearing some of this (killing someone at an age even younger than he was when he killed Misaka #00001, almost killing family) kind of makes him feel like he wants to just relent and acknowledge everything Jason wants him to acknowledge, he can't.

He sucks in a deep breath and lowers the phone, staring down at it in silence. The temptation to just hang up is really, really strong, but he can't. Jason doesn't deserve to open up this much without him doing the same in return -- no, that isn't right.

Jason doesn't deserve to open up this much when the person he's opening up to isn't some abused victim. He needs to be honest, even if he has said he doesn't care about anything he's done in the past. It matters to Accelerator, though. He doesn't want to erase what he did and pretend like it never happened.

He lifts the phone back up to his ear, his hand still shaking. His voice has lost its angry edge - now he just sounds cold and blunt.]

I murdered ten thousand and thirty-one innocent girls. None of those deaths were a mistake.

( he's quiet, for a moment. still breathing steadily, running through the numbers in his head because jesus christ. jason's done some damage, but he's also not - well, he's not accelerator, he doesn't know the extent of accelerator's abilities, but he knows it can cause a lot more chaos than what jason could manage on his own.

jason pulls himself up to his feet, wincing at the ache, but makes his way towards the door. switches the phone connection to his earpiece, which he shoves in before reaching for his helmet. and when he does speak up, it's still in that easy, soft tone.)

You at home?

[This time he doesn't complain or offer any smarm.]

.... Yeah.

[Jason's voice is still soft, but he's expecting the absolute worst here. Why shouldn't he? He just dropped a massive nuclear bomb on him, and without any context that could allow for some sympathy.]

( phone down in his pocket, and jason's heading out the door to his apartment. makes sure it's locked behind him and the security system is up and running. his bike stays inside but down on the first floor, given the elevator in this building isn't really meant to support some asshole bringing in his bike. his left shoulder is still fucked, but it's not so bad he can't drive. so it's fine. )

I'm heading over. Don't hang up.

[It isn't the least bit surprising that Jason wants to come over. That he wants him to stay on the phone is a little weird, though.]

Why? There isn't much else to say.

( because jason always takes silence in the worst way possible. he finds reasons to be angry, or expect the worst out of people. or uses it to take off when he doesn't want to deal with something. because he refuses to accept help or pity from anyone. because he makes everything harder on himself, intentionally, because he doesn't deserve sympathy.

because he has a feeling accelerator feels close to the same. )

'cause if I fall over, at least you'll know about where I am.

( he's in the elevator, going down the several floors between his own and the ground. jason usually lets himself out the windows, but today isn't a good day for that. )

Tche.

[He doesn't have a lot of fight in him to begin with when it comes to this subject, and with Jason's shoulder likely still healing all he does is click his tongue.]

Just don't fucking crash on account of me. [It isn't a big deal to stay on the line, and doing so means he can't completely focus on what he assumes is going to be the worst possible outcome of all this.]

I won't.

( he's pulling his bike out of the room that is absolutely not meant for motorcycles but is now, because jason said so. walks it out of the apartment building, and swings a leg over it to get on it. luckily, his hands are fine even if moving his arm out that far hurts like a bitch. he can drive just fine. )

Which's your coffee of the week this time?

( just to fill in the empty space, while he--makes his way on over. he doesn't want to get too deep when he's not close by. )

[He rubs the bridge of his nose. This feels like a ridiculous question to answer.]

Rise Brewing Company original black. It's fine, I guess, but not many of the convenience stores in this city stock it.

Y'know there's a shitton of better coffees that don't come in cans, right?

( his helmet's on, which does enough to muffle the bike's engine in the background. jason doesn't give a shit about speed laws, so he'll get there--quickish. )

Yeah, but it doesn't hit in the same way.

[It's a very unhealthy addiction in more ways than one, and Accelerator being who he is hasn't bothered to give it a lot of thought.]

Didn't realize the container it came in was so important.

( he'll have to make a note to ask tim for his recs later. jason'll take coffee, but he's more of a black coffee in a cheap cup at 4am on top of a rooftop kind of guy - or tea, when he has the option. tim, on the other hand, probably knows enough to offer some good recommendations.

the bike slows to a stop, and jason pulls off his helmet. keeps the earpiece in. )

I guess it is, I don't know. It's everywhere in Japan, so I've never really thought about it.

[The convenience made his addiction so much easier.]

Fair. 's easy to get ahold of in the States, too, but less of a common thing.

( convenience stores usually have those starbucks frappuccino bullshit canned drinks around, but jason has been to japan and remembers the endless vending machines full of whatever one's heart could desire. and the much better stocked stores.

he's making his way up to accelerator like a normal person. climbing shit is fun and all, but he's still recovering from his earlier fights. )

Door locked?

[Jason's line of thought is the exact same as Accelerator's.]

The vending machines here are shit. Not that Academy City's weren't strange, but at least we still had some normal stuff.

[It's such a ridiculous thing to complain about. He really shouldn't be.]

No.

[He rarely bothers locking the door when he's home. There's no point.]

( works just fine for him. jason's speedy; he makes his way on up to the apartment and lets himself right in after rapping his knuckles against the door frame. accelerator already knew he was coming by, there's no point in waiting.

and he's--making his way on over to accelerator. stands a good several feet away from him when he turns off the earpiece and disconnects the call. raises his right hand, to offer it. )

C'mere.

[The knocking is what pulls Accelerator away from thinking about coffee and focusing back on why Jason is coming over, and a nauseous feeling starts rising up in his stomach. He doesn't want to do this, even though it's selfish he wishes he hadn't opened his mouth. He liked hanging around Jason, and there's no way he isn't here to tell him off and to stay away.

Which is fair, no matter what his personal feelings on the matter are.

He's sitting on the couch (which, despite Accelerator's attempt at cleaning, is still a mess and beyond saving) when Jason comes in. With a click of his tongue he grabs his crutch, tossing his phone down on the couch before getting up and walking over. Unsurprisingly, he's scowling.]

Whatever the hell it is you want to say to me face-to-face, just do it and get it over with.

( jason's hand reaches out, intending to put his palm against accelerator's shoulder. it's a gentle touch, easy. he's trying to keep his expression neutral, but jason's shit at it; it looks more pained than anything else. )

Would you do it again? If given the choice.

( jason's already pretty sure he knows the answer, but he's here because - because accelerator's being an ass to himself, and there's some conversations you just can't have over the phone. )

[Jason's hand settles on his shoulder, and no matter how light it is Accelerator still tenses up. Not that he makes any moves to stop Jason from touching him, because if he wants to get violent he has every right to.

He at least answers honestly, and more than the bare minimum.]

No. I went out of my way to make sure the fucking experiment couldn't be started up again.

[He doesn't sound particularly proud of this, stating it more matter-of-factly than anything. What's important here is that the remaining Sisters won't have to go through that again, not that he made sure the experiment had permanently ended.]

( he tenses, but jason doesn't let up. instead, he waits for accelerator to answer him, and then--drops his hand to wrap it around the kid's shoulders. pulls him in for a one-armed hug. it's not tight, accelerator can pull out whenever he feels like it, but jason's offering it regardless. )

You're a kid. It doesn't excuse any of the shit you've done, no, but 's not like you've been given much choice. You're more than your failures. More than the bullshit those assholes put you through. An' maybe you've got a lot to make up for, but that doesn't make you a monster.

[It almost feels like a punch would've been preferable to the hug. Accelerator, still tense, clenches his free hand into a fist as he's pulled into it. That nauseous feeling increases, and he knows he should pull away. He doesn't deserve this. He's the last person who deserves this.

He doesn't move. He can't bring himself to. The only person who's actually ever hugged him is Last Order -- there was an attempt once by Leo, but he broke his arm in the process. He isn't used to it, but he doesn't want to move.]

Stop saying that. [He's growling that out, absolutely miserable.] No one made me go through anything. They couldn't.

[This isn't something he wants to get into, but he keeps on going. At this point it seems like it's the only way to get it through Jason's head that he's one hundred percent responsible for what happened.] The city's got a whole fucking system for categorizing how strong an esper is, and I'm at the top. No one, let alone the bastards who ran the experiment, can force me to do anything. I willingly agreed to participate.

Edited 2023-12-09 00:40 (UTC)

It doesn't matter how strong you are, y'know. You wouldn't do it again. You feel shitty for having done it. I doubt you had any idea what you were getting into--an' if you did, you thought you were doing what you had to.

( jason doesn't know jack shit about what--caused accelerator to participate in the experiment. but he doesn't need to. he's known the kid long enough to get an idea of his personality, how he tries his best to help even when it's a shit idea. how he's stuck by jason even through jason's nightmares, through him being an idiot and fistfighting himself. he's kept his promises. either the scientists who started it were disgusting, manipulative asshats playing on a child's need for validation, and/or they'd raised him with a fucked up idea of morality that he'd learned was shit as he'd gotten older and gained more independence. you don't need to be a detective to see that.

he's not letting go, either. jason slumps forward a little, moves to rest his chin on the top of accelerator's head. )

You're not a monster, Ace.

[Despite all of Accelerator's pushback, he's aware that Jason's assumptions are correct. He hadn't known the experiment would require killing, the scientists running it told him it wasn't actually murder. He had thought he was doing the right thing.

It doesn't change what he did, and it doesn't make him feel any better.]

I'm never going to believe that.

[If Last Order couldn't get him to agree there's no way Jason will, but his attempt at arguing fizzles out as he finds himself leaning into the hug. Now that it's clear Jason isn't angry it's like the fight is draining out of him, leaving him exhausted.]

I don't want to downplay what I did, or act like I had no responsibility. It wouldn't be fair to them.

I know.

( accelerator leans into it, so jason wraps his arm around him a little tighter. shifts his head so his cheek is resting on top of white hair and settles in against him. there's not much he can do, here. he wasn't there, he doesn't understand the full depth of what accelerator went through. but he understands how it feels to--have that kind of weight sitting on one's shoulders, even if his isn't even close to the same as accelerator's own. there's a lot of shit jason knows damn well was his fault. a lot of mistakes he carries that he's not going to let go of, ever. people he's hurt, shit moves he's pulled. )

Like I said, you've got shit to make up for. But beating yourself up over it isn't gonna fix anything. What's done is done. All we can do is move forward, yeah?

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cw: child abuse, drug use

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