levelshift | Metaheroes Inbox

[GGGGGgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. He nearly types out 'fuck off' again.]

Stop texting that. And stop thinking it.

you're a good kid
i like having you around

I'm not a 'good kid.' You should know that.

And I'm not going to any birthdays. Those things are for the friends and family of whoever's having the birthday, even I know that, and I've only ever said two fucking sentences to your brother.

he likes you, too

you're one of mine anyway
and a good kid

I seriously fucking doubt that.

[That... what.]

I'm what?

you don't think i'd trust just anyone to drive my bike while i'm half out of it, do you?

That doesn't mean anything. It's just a stupid motorcycle, and you weren't thinking straight.

i love that bike more than i love most people
so no, it's not just a stupid motorcycle
i was thinking straight enough

Then stop feeling that way. It's wrong.

i can feel however i want

Then I'm telling you your feelings are bullshit and objectively wrong.

( fuck it.

he's raising the phone up to his ear and dialing accelerator. )

[..... Is he seriously calling him.

Accelerator pauses and stares down at his phone as it buzzes, debating whether or not to answer. But he doesn't want to risk Jason tracking him down for a talk, so he answers it. Reluctantly.]

Tche, no one uses a phone for phone calls anymore.

I'm not texting this 'cause I know you're not taking me seriously. I want you to hear it, an' I'm in shit shape - so do us both a favor and save me from tracking you down, will you? 'cause I swear if you hang up, I'll come find you and make you listen.

....

[He should be difficult and just bolt out of the city, but he doesn't. As unhappy as he is he doesn't want to make Jason put more stress on himself by hunting him down.]

Fine. Then say whatever it is you want to say.

( his voice softens. loses the edge jason usually speaks with. )

You're a good kid, Ace. You've had a lot of shit things happen to you, and I'm betting you pulled some shit moves to counterbalance it, but none of that is your fault.

( it's the kind of thing jason wanted to be told, when he was younger. he gets it, where accelerator's coming from. and he hates seeing it on him. )

You saved me when I sure as hell didn't deserve it. I've seen how hard you've been trying. When I say you're one of mine - I don't give a damn if you think you deserve it, it's yours.

[This isn't what he wants to hear.

Of course, every child likes hearing when someone tells them a good kid, regardless of whether they are or not. Accelerator is not exception - he's been praised by fearful scientists for the strength of his ability, but he's rarely ever been told he's a good kid. There's a small part of him that likes it, which is the problem.

He knows he isn't good. He knows he shouldn't like being called good. He knows he's basically lying to Jason by withholding information from him.

He slumps on the couch, burying his face in his hand. The worst part of this is that Jason doesn't even sound angry. It would be a lot easier if he was.]

You're right, I've done a lot of really fucked up stuff. Enough that I know there's no way I can ever make up for it.

[He's utterly miserable, and he's reminded of what Yoshikawa had called him out on, that it's always been easier for him to reject good will from others because accepting it is too frightening.]

I'm not good. I did all of it willingly, too, so you're wrong when you say it isn't my fault. I'm a fucking monster and you can't pretend otherwise.

( before bruce, jason was a scrawny little shit who ran around crime alley holding his chin up high because he knew the moment he let himself falter would be the moment gotham destroyed him. even when he was still in single digits, he knew better. any visible weakness is exploitable, any sign of wanting anything is something someone's going to find a way to use. jason made himself tough, because he needed to be. and when he came back from the dead, he just made himself tougher. worked hard to be terrifying, someone the dealers and mobsters of gotham would learn to fear, because you can't stop crime, you can only control it. )

You're not a monster. ( his voice is still soft, though there's an edge of hurt to it. not anger, not irritation, but more empathetic pain. ) 've dealt with some of the worst kinds of monsters, and you're nothing like 'em. You've done some unforgivable shit, I get it. But you were just a kid. Still are. I know how it feels, to--have that kind of weight on your shoulders. But hell, Ace. ( a breath in, shaky. ) We've all done fucked up things to survive. To get by. Some of us more than others. That doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a survivor.

[This hurts. Jason is putting so much trust in him that he doesn't deserve, and he's realizing with a sinking feeling that it's his own fault. He hasn't been honest with him, so what the hell can he expect? Of course Jason is going to think he's better than he really is when he doesn't know about the Level 6 Shift experiment and the Sisters.

He says he gets it, and Accelerator wants that to be true. But it isn't. The truth is that whatever Jason thinks he's done, the reality is a thousand times worse.

He grits his teeth, a growl in his voice, because whenever he lets himself get emotional it's always anger that comes out first, even if that isn't exactly what he's feeling.]

No, it doesn't. That'd mean I'm a... goddamnit, that I'm a fucking victim, right? And I'm not that.

[He can't be. If he starts seeing himself like that, then he'll be devaluing the Sisters and what they went through. What he did to them. Even though this is a phone call he's shaking his head, sounding tense.]

You don't know what I've done. You wouldn't be saying any of that shit if you did.

You were abused. You know that, don't you?

( accelerator's childhood wasn't--great. hell, jason's was shit but it wasn't that shit. he knew his mom loved him, even if she was out of it most the time. even if she died on him when he was still small and it left him alone. he still knew what it felt like, to have someone actually care about his well-being.

from what he's heard, it's not something they have in common. )

You were used, manipulated. The people who were supposed to make sure you were safe and happy abandoned you. It doesn't matter what you did. Monsters, the real ones, don't give a shit who they've hurt an' what damage they've caused. They'll go for it again, an' again, 'cause fuck everyone else. If it doesn't benefit 'em, why bother. I don't need to know what it was you did. I can hear you now, which's all I need.

[Accelerator is quiet as he listens, and by the time Jason is finished talking he realizes that his hand is shaking, and he's squeezing his phone like he wants to break the damn thing.

He was abused. He was abused.

That's laughable. Completely absurd.

(It isn't, but it hurts to hear all of this being voiced out loud. He can't handle it.)]

It doesn't matter how I was raised. I knew exactly what I was doing the entire time.

[That isn't entirely accurate. The scientists had told him the Sisters were dolls rather than people, that what he was doing wasn't murder at all, and he had believed them. But acknowledging that might lead to him thinking of himself as a victim and, well....]

Stop seeing me with rose-coloured glasses. Just because the fucking scientists that developed me were monsters doesn't mean I'm not one, too.

My old man used to knock me around, before he went off and died in prison. He also taught me how to pick pockets, hot wire cars, steal tires, all the useful shit a kid in crime alley might need.

( he's not sure if it's harder or easier, over the phone. at least jason could quickly press the end button if he needed to. as it is, he figures--accelerator needs this more than jason needs to avoid it. )

I killed a guy before I'd even hit double digits. I wasn't intending on it, but I sure as hell didn't regret it. I almost killed my brothers, several times. An' they didn't do jack shit to deserve it. I was so angry, I just threw that anger 'round at every single goddamn person I could take it out on. Slit Tim's throat, shot him, stabbed him, broke into his place an' beat the shit out of him while telling him he was trash. He wasn't, he's always been better than me. I was the monster. The asshole who went around trying to drag everyone else down with me, 'cause I was full of piss and vinegar and wanted them to feel it.

( his head hits the back of the couch, and jason lets his eyes close. )

I was scared, of what I'd find if I let go of all that anger. Or what I wouldn't find--was there anything left of the kid who'd wanted to try to be something better? ( he's - relating, because jason doesn't know how the hell else to express that he does get it. if anyone told jason he was abused, he'd tell them they're idiots. he's fine. aside from the dying bit and the anger issues he's learned to acknowledge years after the fact, clearly there's nothing wrong with him. his dad was an ass, but that's just how shit is in the bowery. it's normal. the watching over his shoulder constantly--everyone with half a brain in gotham does that. but he can acknowledge it second-hand, like this. )

I ain't looking at you through rose-colored lenses. I can see you're trying. You pulled some fucked up shit in the past, I get it. I have, too. Shit I can never, ever make up for. But if you really were a monster, you wouldn't be sitting there telling me you can't make up for it. Monsters don't care 'bout the damage they've done. Mistakes're human.

....

[It feels invasive - wrong to be hearing all of this from Jason. These are things you keep between family, maybe close friends. Not some abrasive brat you've decided has things in common with you, one who's actively trying to push you away. Even if hearing some of this (killing someone at an age even younger than he was when he killed Misaka #00001, almost killing family) kind of makes him feel like he wants to just relent and acknowledge everything Jason wants him to acknowledge, he can't.

He sucks in a deep breath and lowers the phone, staring down at it in silence. The temptation to just hang up is really, really strong, but he can't. Jason doesn't deserve to open up this much without him doing the same in return -- no, that isn't right.

Jason doesn't deserve to open up this much when the person he's opening up to isn't some abused victim. He needs to be honest, even if he has said he doesn't care about anything he's done in the past. It matters to Accelerator, though. He doesn't want to erase what he did and pretend like it never happened.

He lifts the phone back up to his ear, his hand still shaking. His voice has lost its angry edge - now he just sounds cold and blunt.]

I murdered ten thousand and thirty-one innocent girls. None of those deaths were a mistake.

( he's quiet, for a moment. still breathing steadily, running through the numbers in his head because jesus christ. jason's done some damage, but he's also not - well, he's not accelerator, he doesn't know the extent of accelerator's abilities, but he knows it can cause a lot more chaos than what jason could manage on his own.

jason pulls himself up to his feet, wincing at the ache, but makes his way towards the door. switches the phone connection to his earpiece, which he shoves in before reaching for his helmet. and when he does speak up, it's still in that easy, soft tone.)

You at home?

[This time he doesn't complain or offer any smarm.]

.... Yeah.

[Jason's voice is still soft, but he's expecting the absolute worst here. Why shouldn't he? He just dropped a massive nuclear bomb on him, and without any context that could allow for some sympathy.]

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cw: child abuse, drug use

cw: child abuse, drug use, child murder

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