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[He rolls his eyes, leaning against the counter. Cool, cut himself, nearly fell over because he can't stand on his own, this is off to a great start. That question doesn't help his mood, and he's silent for a few seconds, stewing and trying to decide it he wants to answer.]

... It's fine. That version of Earth had some really advanced medical equipment.

[His tone is dismissive. His arm is still sore, yeah, but it's usable, so it's not worth bringing up. Not when there are a bunch of bad memories and feelings attached.]

[ To be fair to Accelerator, John should have realized it would be hard for him to get to the sink on his own. But he doesn't dwell much on it. Instead he tries to figure out where to go from here. Accelerator clearly doesn't want to talk about it. But they need to. ]

It wasn't all bad.

[His eyes hang on the bandage before he turns his gaze up to meet John's, his expression dark. This is not a subject he wants to tackle, though at the same time he knows ignoring it isn't helping any.]

Yeah, it was. Don't pretend otherwise.

[ It wasn't. Not all of it. The time he got to spend with Harold, the time he got to spend with Accelerator. There were good things. ]

I don't think that was you any more than it was me.

[ It doesn't change what happened, not at all, but John is certain he's not the same person he was on Earth. He wouldn't do that. Why would he do that? There's no explanation for it. ]

[Oh, God. Is this another attempt at excusing what he did? Lois had brought up the possibility that his mind had been affected by the anomaly, and that had stuck with him. He couldn't believe it then, and he won't believe it now.

He clicks his tongue, reaching up to switch his choker's mode for a few seconds so that he can move back over to the chopping board. Grabbing the carrots, he takes them back over to the sink to wash them, in case he got any blood on them.]

You, of all people, should know how big a load of horse shit that is.

[ This isn't going to be an easy conversation. ]

I don't believe after five years of saving lives that I would suddenly start taking them. And I don't think you would either. We're both capable of it, but it's not who we are.

[ They're both terrifying people, capable of doing terrible things, have done terrible things, but they're both also trying to do better. ]

[He looks away, rinsing the carrots under some hot water and scrubbing them a bit harder than necessary.]

Then you're a better person than I am, because I killed people during the riot back when we were on that fucking train.

[To be fair, it was to protect some kids who were in danger, but that's a detail he doesn't want to bring up.]

[ John isn't fooled, but only because he saw the memory in Aphaia. ]

Why?

[ He doesn't believe Accelerator would kill someone without a reason, and he thinks the reason would be good. ]

[Once the carrots are washed he scrubs the cutting board, then moves everything back to its original place. He grabs the knife, but he doesn't start cutting quite yet.]

It doesn't matter. What matters is the that I killed people.

[ Is that true? Does the motive not matter at all? John has grappled with that question for a long time. It's easy to forgive in others what he's done himself. Of course Accelerator isn't a cold hearted killer, he's a kid who was brought up in a horrible environment. It's easy to hold other people to a different standard. So should he hold them to Harold's standard, or should he not weigh so heavily his own failures? ]

Then we do better tomorrow.

[Accelerator situates himself in front of the cutting board, switching his choker back to normal mode. He stares down hard at the carrots, trying to sort out his mind before trying to chop them again. If he doesn't, he's pretty sure he's only going to cut himself again.]

I might make the same decision tomorrow.

[Will is the word that's floating around in his mind. He will make the same decision tomorrow. It happened on the train, it happened in San Francisco, it seems likely it's going to happen during the next mission, too.]

Then make a different decision the next day.

[ John doesn't believe this is him forever. He doesn't. He just doesn't. He says it so simply, with quiet confidence. Accelerator can make a different choice. One day he will. It won't always be easy, but it's worth it. ]

[He clutches the knife a bit tighter, gritting his teeth.]

Maybe it's that easy for you. It isn't for me.

It isn't easy. But it's worth it. Everyone is relevant to someone.

[ It would be so easy to just... shoot someone. Make all the problems go away. It had seemed so obvious on Earth. Who cares? But now he cares. He feels that weight. He'll do better next time, he'll do better tomorrow. He won't kill people again. Next time he'll recognize the signs, stop it before it happens. He can do better. He will do better. ]

I know. Sometimes that hasn't been enough to stop me.

[That's what makes it so bad, doesn't it? He knows he's hurting people who matter, and he hurt them anyways. It's why that Level 0 had stepped in to save #10 032 that night in the train yard. He had said he didn't care about the fact that she was a clone, all that he cared about was that she, as an individual, mattered to him. It hurts to think about.

He exhales slowly.]

I know people are talking about the fucking anomaly causing problems, but I've got no reason to believe it made me do anything I wouldn't have done on my own.

[ But he disagrees. He saw Aphaia, saw the regret. Accelerator is trying. He does understand. How does he explain this? He's not good with words, hasn't been for a long time now. If... Harold, or Joss would be better at this. But he has to do it. ]

I saw you in Aphaia. You wouldn't do it carelessly. You understand.

[That memory. #10 031.

Accelerator twitches faintly as he suppresses a full shiver. That girl alone in the alley, no hope of stopping him. She had died horrifically, in the same way as that Grimnir person, and it makes him sick to think despite all this time he's still capable of hurting someone that badly.]

I was in control of myself in that memory and I was still a monster. [He shakes his head.] Espers function through their goddamned delusions, so mental instability is a serious problem. No matter how hard I work at it, there have been times where I've lost control and hurt a lot of people.

[Being careless isn't some significant factor in whether or not he hurts people, he's fully capable of doing it regardless.]

It's just part of who I am.

You don't have to turn into a saint overnight. Just try to do better tomorrow. Or the next day. The goal isn't to be perfect.

[ There's always mistakes. It's not always easy. Scum like Benton or Jennings, people that really shouldn't be missed by anyone if they knew the truth. It had been hard but he'd let them live. Stuck them somewhere they never had a chance of getting out.

But it hadn't been easy. ]

What if I can't do better?

[He doesn't look over at John, instead squeezing his eyes closed. This isn't a new question for him, it's just the first time he's asked it out loud.]

I've tried, but every time it feels like I take one step forward I do something screwed up, and it's two steps back.

You can.

[ How does he explain this? ]

It's not a war, it's one off battles. Just because you fail once doesn't mean you didn't win another time. There's no single path you're walking to reach an end. So you can always do better.

[ Each day is its own trial. Habits build over time, it gets easier with practice, but each victory should be celebrated. ]

It feels like a war.

[One that he's losing, though he doesn't think he needs to say that out loud. John likely understands that.]

[ He does understand what Accelerator isn't saying. Regardless of that feeling he wants to convince him of his perspective. ]

It's not. Each day is a new chance. There's momentum but each mercy is its own victory. You can always do something else tomorrow.

Edited 2025-09-21 19:10 (UTC)

[Accelerator falls quiet. It feels like that's something that is easy to say, but isn't necessarily true. It doesn't feel true, it feels like what he did is just his reality. It's who he is, and he shouldn't expect anything more from himself.]

.....

[He feels sick. His voice is quiet.]

Is that what you tell yourself when you screw up?

[ John hasn't screwed up in— well, there was Earth— ]

It is. I'll make a different decision next time. I won't kill people again. And if I do I'll try again the next time.

[ He's disappointed in himself. He knows— believes it wasn't really him that did that. He did, objectively do it, but why? Why would he change like that? It's not— it's not him. ]

Doesn't that wear you down? [He's asking because he feels utterly drained by it all.] You say you'll do better, then you screw up, and you just tell yourself you'll do better? It's a fucking cycle.

[An endless cycle of doing horrible things and feeling like garbage.]

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