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[levelshift]

un: Accelerator
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[levelshift]

[That memory. #10 031.

Accelerator twitches faintly as he suppresses a full shiver. That girl alone in the alley, no hope of stopping him. She had died horrifically, in the same way as that Grimnir person, and it makes him sick to think despite all this time he's still capable of hurting someone that badly.]

I was in control of myself in that memory and I was still a monster. [He shakes his head.] Espers function through their goddamned delusions, so mental instability is a serious problem. No matter how hard I work at it, there have been times where I've lost control and hurt a lot of people.

[Being careless isn't some significant factor in whether or not he hurts people, he's fully capable of doing it regardless.]

It's just part of who I am.

[aimsforknees]

You don't have to turn into a saint overnight. Just try to do better tomorrow. Or the next day. The goal isn't to be perfect.

[ There's always mistakes. It's not always easy. Scum like Benton or Jennings, people that really shouldn't be missed by anyone if they knew the truth. It had been hard but he'd let them live. Stuck them somewhere they never had a chance of getting out.

But it hadn't been easy. ]

[levelshift]

What if I can't do better?

[He doesn't look over at John, instead squeezing his eyes closed. This isn't a new question for him, it's just the first time he's asked it out loud.]

I've tried, but every time it feels like I take one step forward I do something screwed up, and it's two steps back.

[aimsforknees]

You can.

[ How does he explain this? ]

It's not a war, it's one off battles. Just because you fail once doesn't mean you didn't win another time. There's no single path you're walking to reach an end. So you can always do better.

[ Each day is its own trial. Habits build over time, it gets easier with practice, but each victory should be celebrated. ]

[levelshift]

It feels like a war.

[One that he's losing, though he doesn't think he needs to say that out loud. John likely understands that.]

[aimsforknees]

[ He does understand what Accelerator isn't saying. Regardless of that feeling he wants to convince him of his perspective. ]

It's not. Each day is a new chance. There's momentum but each mercy is its own victory. You can always do something else tomorrow.

[levelshift]

[Accelerator falls quiet. It feels like that's something that is easy to say, but isn't necessarily true. It doesn't feel true, it feels like what he did is just his reality. It's who he is, and he shouldn't expect anything more from himself.]

.....

[He feels sick. His voice is quiet.]

Is that what you tell yourself when you screw up?

[aimsforknees]

[ John hasn't screwed up in— well, there was Earth— ]

It is. I'll make a different decision next time. I won't kill people again. And if I do I'll try again the next time.

[ He's disappointed in himself. He knows— believes it wasn't really him that did that. He did, objectively do it, but why? Why would he change like that? It's not— it's not him. ]

[levelshift]

Doesn't that wear you down? [He's asking because he feels utterly drained by it all.] You say you'll do better, then you screw up, and you just tell yourself you'll do better? It's a fucking cycle.

[An endless cycle of doing horrible things and feeling like garbage.]

[aimsforknees]

[ It is a cycle. It's an endless cycle. There's always another piece of slime that the world is probably better off without. People the police will let go in a few years, only for the cycle to continue. ]

It is a cycle. You have to keep trying. You only lose when you give up completely.

[levelshift]

[Accelerator grits his teeth, hating all of this. With a sharp look, his next question is straightforward.]

Have you ever wanted to give up?

[aimsforknees]

I did once. Only reason Quinn didn't die was a weapon malfunction.

[ He gave up. Harold even tried to convince him and he still gave up. Filled with so much hate, so much misery. He just entirely gave up. John wonders if Accelerator will be surprised to hear that. ]

[levelshift]

[He's taken aback upon hearing that, after all the talk of cycles and constantly having keep trying.]

You got lucky. Does Finch know?

[aimsforknees]

He was there. He told me that I saved lives. I didn't listen to him.

[ Truthfully, he doesn't remember the whole affair too clearly. He had barely been able to stand at that point. But he remembers Harold's voice, the things he said. ]

[levelshift]

How'd he take that?

[The not listening. Harold had been disappointed with him over what happened and even now, back in Etraya, thinking about that is painful.]

[aimsforknees]

We never talked about it. I left after that and when I came back he welcomed me. That was it.

[ Certainly he's sure that Harold is glad his weapon didn't fire. But they never talked about it. Harold just waited for him to return on his own terms. ]

[levelshift]

[Ugh, is that how it all worked out for them? He shouldn't be surprised, it's extremely Harold to have simply accept John and everything he did (and almost did).]

He's way too accepting.

[Because it doesn't quite feel like forgiving.]

[aimsforknees]

[ John thinks back to how Harold confessed that he almost did some "dark" things before they met. Does Harold accept? Does he forgive? Or does he simply understand? Since they never talked about it John doesn't know. But he doesn't think Harold is willing to accept death, not after him leaving over the Senator. No, Harold has his principles. So why did he welcome John back with open arms after trying to kill Quinn?

He's not sure. He's never been sure. But he knows it happened, and he's grateful for that. ]

I think he understand that people can do better and one failure isn't forever.

[levelshift]

[It still feels like there's a heavy weight clogging up his mind, like there has to be more to it. Maybe one failure is fine, but how many of them before Harold decides he has enough?

It's a scary thought.]

He's gotta have his limits.

[Maybe it isn't the number of failures, but the amount of his involvement in one? That occurs to Accelerator and he looks particularly troubled by this. John would get it though, so he decides to say something. He's already opening up, no point in stopping now.]

... I had another reason for going after that person, but you can't tell Finch.

[aimsforknees]

[ Does Harold have limits? John isn't sure. He would walk away from someone who reveled in death, has worked to that end to stop those people, but John doesn't think he would ever walk away from someone who cared, someone who tried. That's not Harold.

John reached up and taps his earpiece off. He respects Accelerator enough to tune Harold out for this, and he thinks Harold will understand. It's an innocuous enough gesture that he hopes Accelerator won't question it. ]

I won't.

[levelshift]

.....

[Accelerator doesn't notice the gesture, he's distracted by his attempt at working up the nerve to keep going. It's kind of embarrassing, honestly.]

I wanted to look into the anomaly to complete the mission, but also for you two. Since we were all assigned to each other, I... though I'd be helping you and Finch.

[Yeah. They had been a family, and even though the relationship wasn't real he still took it seriously. It's stupid, he feels stupid, and he should have been better.]

[aimsforknees]

[ That's... sweet. He wanted to do it to help them. How does he say You don't have to help us for us to love you? It's true, but he doesn't know how to say that. It wasn't real but... they made it real, in a way. Breakfasts, taking out the trash, all of it. So how does he say that? How does he convey that? How can he say how much he wanted what they had, how he's glad it was Accelerator who was with them?

When John does speak it's quietly, but with sincerity. ]

You don't have to be useful for us to care for you.

[ Is that the right thing to say? ]

[levelshift]

......

[Accelerator sorely wants to believe that, doesn't he? That he could just exist as himself, flaws and all, and it's be enough for Harold and John. But there's only a few people in his life where that's ever been the case, so it's hard for him to believe. And on top of that, even if it's true then that means he really did something horrible for no good reason at all. If anything, he had been using Harold and John as an excuse.

That makes him feel sick. Maybe it's easier to just assume John is only trying to be nice.]

It felt like the right thing to do at the time. That's all.

[Accelerator is mumbling that in response, more uncertain than reassured.]

[aimsforknees]

[ Did he say it wrong? Did his message get through? He wants Accelerator to understand. He knows how hard it is to accept that sort of thing, he knows how it stings that people see him as more than he is. Harold's unerring faith, the way he can't see himself in the picture Harold has painted of him. But here he is on the other side of that fence, seeing for once what he doesn't understand in Harold. ]

Does it feel like the right thing now?

[levelshift]

No. [He says that, but then he has to stop, his face screwing up in concentration, and he drags a rough hand through his hair.] I don't know. You two are good people, so wanting to help you isn't wrong, but....

[But if helping them means hurting and killing some random innocent person, well, that muddies the water. Right now it feels like it had been the wrong thing to do, and at the time it had felt right, so he's left with a confusing mix of self-disgust and an irrational desire to do better for them next time.

It sucks.]

It's fucking complicated. I don't know how to answer that.