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[ Is that true? Does the motive not matter at all? John has grappled with that question for a long time. It's easy to forgive in others what he's done himself. Of course Accelerator isn't a cold hearted killer, he's a kid who was brought up in a horrible environment. It's easy to hold other people to a different standard. So should he hold them to Harold's standard, or should he not weigh so heavily his own failures? ]

Then we do better tomorrow.

[Accelerator situates himself in front of the cutting board, switching his choker back to normal mode. He stares down hard at the carrots, trying to sort out his mind before trying to chop them again. If he doesn't, he's pretty sure he's only going to cut himself again.]

I might make the same decision tomorrow.

[Will is the word that's floating around in his mind. He will make the same decision tomorrow. It happened on the train, it happened in San Francisco, it seems likely it's going to happen during the next mission, too.]

Then make a different decision the next day.

[ John doesn't believe this is him forever. He doesn't. He just doesn't. He says it so simply, with quiet confidence. Accelerator can make a different choice. One day he will. It won't always be easy, but it's worth it. ]

[He clutches the knife a bit tighter, gritting his teeth.]

Maybe it's that easy for you. It isn't for me.

It isn't easy. But it's worth it. Everyone is relevant to someone.

[ It would be so easy to just... shoot someone. Make all the problems go away. It had seemed so obvious on Earth. Who cares? But now he cares. He feels that weight. He'll do better next time, he'll do better tomorrow. He won't kill people again. Next time he'll recognize the signs, stop it before it happens. He can do better. He will do better. ]

I know. Sometimes that hasn't been enough to stop me.

[That's what makes it so bad, doesn't it? He knows he's hurting people who matter, and he hurt them anyways. It's why that Level 0 had stepped in to save #10 032 that night in the train yard. He had said he didn't care about the fact that she was a clone, all that he cared about was that she, as an individual, mattered to him. It hurts to think about.

He exhales slowly.]

I know people are talking about the fucking anomaly causing problems, but I've got no reason to believe it made me do anything I wouldn't have done on my own.

[ But he disagrees. He saw Aphaia, saw the regret. Accelerator is trying. He does understand. How does he explain this? He's not good with words, hasn't been for a long time now. If... Harold, or Joss would be better at this. But he has to do it. ]

I saw you in Aphaia. You wouldn't do it carelessly. You understand.

[That memory. #10 031.

Accelerator twitches faintly as he suppresses a full shiver. That girl alone in the alley, no hope of stopping him. She had died horrifically, in the same way as that Grimnir person, and it makes him sick to think despite all this time he's still capable of hurting someone that badly.]

I was in control of myself in that memory and I was still a monster. [He shakes his head.] Espers function through their goddamned delusions, so mental instability is a serious problem. No matter how hard I work at it, there have been times where I've lost control and hurt a lot of people.

[Being careless isn't some significant factor in whether or not he hurts people, he's fully capable of doing it regardless.]

It's just part of who I am.

You don't have to turn into a saint overnight. Just try to do better tomorrow. Or the next day. The goal isn't to be perfect.

[ There's always mistakes. It's not always easy. Scum like Benton or Jennings, people that really shouldn't be missed by anyone if they knew the truth. It had been hard but he'd let them live. Stuck them somewhere they never had a chance of getting out.

But it hadn't been easy. ]

What if I can't do better?

[He doesn't look over at John, instead squeezing his eyes closed. This isn't a new question for him, it's just the first time he's asked it out loud.]

I've tried, but every time it feels like I take one step forward I do something screwed up, and it's two steps back.

You can.

[ How does he explain this? ]

It's not a war, it's one off battles. Just because you fail once doesn't mean you didn't win another time. There's no single path you're walking to reach an end. So you can always do better.

[ Each day is its own trial. Habits build over time, it gets easier with practice, but each victory should be celebrated. ]

It feels like a war.

[One that he's losing, though he doesn't think he needs to say that out loud. John likely understands that.]

[ He does understand what Accelerator isn't saying. Regardless of that feeling he wants to convince him of his perspective. ]

It's not. Each day is a new chance. There's momentum but each mercy is its own victory. You can always do something else tomorrow.

Edited 2025-09-21 19:10 (UTC)

[Accelerator falls quiet. It feels like that's something that is easy to say, but isn't necessarily true. It doesn't feel true, it feels like what he did is just his reality. It's who he is, and he shouldn't expect anything more from himself.]

.....

[He feels sick. His voice is quiet.]

Is that what you tell yourself when you screw up?

[ John hasn't screwed up in— well, there was Earth— ]

It is. I'll make a different decision next time. I won't kill people again. And if I do I'll try again the next time.

[ He's disappointed in himself. He knows— believes it wasn't really him that did that. He did, objectively do it, but why? Why would he change like that? It's not— it's not him. ]

Doesn't that wear you down? [He's asking because he feels utterly drained by it all.] You say you'll do better, then you screw up, and you just tell yourself you'll do better? It's a fucking cycle.

[An endless cycle of doing horrible things and feeling like garbage.]

[ It is a cycle. It's an endless cycle. There's always another piece of slime that the world is probably better off without. People the police will let go in a few years, only for the cycle to continue. ]

It is a cycle. You have to keep trying. You only lose when you give up completely.

[Accelerator grits his teeth, hating all of this. With a sharp look, his next question is straightforward.]

Have you ever wanted to give up?

I did once. Only reason Quinn didn't die was a weapon malfunction.

[ He gave up. Harold even tried to convince him and he still gave up. Filled with so much hate, so much misery. He just entirely gave up. John wonders if Accelerator will be surprised to hear that. ]

[He's taken aback upon hearing that, after all the talk of cycles and constantly having keep trying.]

You got lucky. Does Finch know?

He was there. He told me that I saved lives. I didn't listen to him.

[ Truthfully, he doesn't remember the whole affair too clearly. He had barely been able to stand at that point. But he remembers Harold's voice, the things he said. ]

How'd he take that?

[The not listening. Harold had been disappointed with him over what happened and even now, back in Etraya, thinking about that is painful.]

We never talked about it. I left after that and when I came back he welcomed me. That was it.

[ Certainly he's sure that Harold is glad his weapon didn't fire. But they never talked about it. Harold just waited for him to return on his own terms. ]

[Ugh, is that how it all worked out for them? He shouldn't be surprised, it's extremely Harold to have simply accept John and everything he did (and almost did).]

He's way too accepting.

[Because it doesn't quite feel like forgiving.]

[ John thinks back to how Harold confessed that he almost did some "dark" things before they met. Does Harold accept? Does he forgive? Or does he simply understand? Since they never talked about it John doesn't know. But he doesn't think Harold is willing to accept death, not after him leaving over the Senator. No, Harold has his principles. So why did he welcome John back with open arms after trying to kill Quinn?

He's not sure. He's never been sure. But he knows it happened, and he's grateful for that. ]

I think he understand that people can do better and one failure isn't forever.

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