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un: Accelerator
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[Oh, geez. Her hair is hiding her face, but he's been around girls like Qliphah and Last Order enough to know what that means. That tiny sniffle confirms it.

Accelerator sits up, moving his coffee to the coffee table, resting his elbows on his knees. He doubts he's ever going to get used to this, and he's mentally getting himself prepared to deal with a bawling girl on his couch, when instead she says that and he stops.]

....................

[This reminds him, clear as day, of Asuka getting angry with him after he died and came back. Or Last Order being worried every time he went off to do something reckless and dangerous. Or Qliphah when that Magic God was able to injure him by controlling her.

Oh, he doesn't like this. Not at all. They barely know each other, he hasn't even gotten around to telling her about what a monster he is. This isn't entirely about him, but there's enough there that it makes his insides twist uncomfortably. She shouldn't be worrying about him this much.

He sucks in a deep breath, choosing his words carefully instead of defaulting to a bunch of hostile cursing meant to push her away.]

You can't control the choices other people make. Sometimes they're going to make some stupid ones, or it's going to look like that to you, and all you can do is accept what they decide to do. It's fucking awful, but it's the truth.

[Like all those times that Level 0 was doing something insane - protecting an internationally wanted terrorist god, running around with so-called diplomats who were committing crimes and causing havoc in Academy City, facing down a resurrected walking force of nature - and he wanted to take a different route. And he did, sometimes, but he always accepted the decisions Kamijou Touma had made, and trusted he knew what he was doing. It always worked out, in the end.

He can't say the same for 37's people. It likely won't, given what happened to them, but she still needs to accept their decision.]

You can chill. I don't have a death wish. Especially around here.

[Asuka drilled it into his head, don't be an idiot a second time. He's going to try his best on that front. And... he's also not very good at abandoning people, but that's too sappy for him to say out loud. Instead he sighs heavily.]

I'm also really fucking good when it comes to calculating anything you throw at me. I can always double check your work, or if you don't understand something, chances are I will. I've got a lot of crap shoved into my brain, the whole fucking world is basically one constant stream of data I'm constantly committing to memory, and it's a huge waste if I don't put it all to good use once in a while.

[He's got your back, 37! And not just mathematically speaking.]

I run it over and over in my mind. ...They wanted me to find the Truth, and when I did... they still.

( to hear that their choice was possibly a stupid one, or maybe it was... something, but this is a cruel truth. it's enough to make her shoulders fall slack and 37 feels even more miserable. sure, the truth hurts, but 210's ego was too inflated to just die, 888's beliefs were hardened, she wouldn't let anyone alter her thoughts as she was committed to what was right.

if what she had chosen was stupid, or even right, then why couldn't 37 have...

...

37 should be happy for them, she should have the same thrill that she had for her mother, and yet...

even both those feelings have dulled, they bring upon an ache in her chest.

she exhales, and she sniffles, there's a hitch of her breath as tries really hard not to just break down. it's the dam keeping the water behind, but there are cracks, there's wall that chips away with every word even if they're meant to be reassuring or the truth.

part of her wishes she had finished that day before leaving the island, but to recall, to even explain to someone who shouldn't care. it's embarrassing, they have just met, but everything has happened so fast. if she did not find 6 here, she would be alone, she would navigate this world alone with vertin or sophia, and she latches to anything that can keep her from running out into her doom. )

Why is it even if the fucking answer is found, it's not enough to make things go right.

( maybe she was unlucky, perhaps her answer was for another problem, but not their problem. if only she knew what, but the issue was they were happy in that moment, it appeared like that was the best choice they could have made, and the expression showed no regret. )

Be wise, uninvolved, and look on or be practical, involved, and suffer... what does that stream of data think, what do you... think?

[Part of him wishes these people of 37's hadn't ended up dying, because it prevents him from being able to tell them off for making her cry. The same as he did with Nepthys after she messed with Qliphah. He doesn't know her very well, but she doesn't deserve to be forced to go through all of this.

He can't give her an answer. It sounds like she had figured things out, or was on her way to doing so, and they still chose the Emanation over her. He has no idea what their thought process was, only that they made that decision. However, he can give her a bit of insight into his own mindset regarding her question.]

I've tried both options throughout my life. [When he was ten years old and facing down the military he willingly chose to surrender, to go along with the city's decision to essentially remove him from society. At the time he had thought it was the best option for everyone, because it meant he didn't have to hurt anyone, and look where it got him.]

Being uninvolved was bullshit. People still got hurt.

[He still hurt people. It never actually stopped, despite his desperation, and now after everything he's done he doesn't have the right to choose the easy way out ever again. He doesn't get to have a simple life.]

I got tired of that, and it's why I accepted the offer to run my city. I don't care if it means I have to suffer, being involved means I'm making a goddamn difference in people's lives. That's all that matters.

( it still hurts to think about, even if she didn't miscalculate and they chose to do that... she still believes it to be her fault. even now, in a new place, she cannot find the answer to what she had done wrong to cause such an unfortunate situation. it's these moments that she wishes that vertin and 6 didn't hold her back, but that would have the uninvolved option.

she chooses not to say anything on it, even while being involved, she watched them die and it feels worse. or maybe it's the fact she's crying on some guy's couch that she doesn't know, and she doesn't know how to save face.

for once, 37 is thinking that crawling out the window is her only option from how much she's embarrassed herself, for what she's said so far. would that be horrible to do to him considering he's telling her his mistakes, he doesn't tell her in detail, but he does let her know. he's miscalculated, he's been involved and uninvolved, and she sniffles, and one hand lifts up to wipe at her already red cheeks as she bites down on her bottom lip to keep in any sob.

she won't do it, she won't let a sound slip through.

that is the choice that apparently she had chosen to be practical, involved, and suffer. that option allows her into the phenomenal world to learn the truth that will help prevent others from being taken away by the emanation, and then afterwards she can go home to what she knows.

but why is the outside world so difficult to understand, and why can't her friends be there when she returns. she can't ask him that, but his choice tells her a lot that something comes from being involved, to suffering, because it makes a difference in some way. at first, she didn't want to leave, the outside world is foggy, it's hard to see the truth with the pile and pile of bacteria that covers it... but...

it's at this moment that she realizes she's bit down on her bottom lip too hard to keep herself from sobbing, and the taste of blood manages to hit her tongue. it's like a sobbing cough comes from out her mouth, and she breathes in through her nose. )

....What about here, ( her voice cracks, and she pauses trying to get force the sadness out, but it doesn't work as her tone drops down to a whisper. ) ...what did you choose here?

[... Maybe it would be better if he told her to just get it all out instead of pushing it down. It would certainly be better if he could manage to offer her a hug or something - if Last Order was here that's what she would do - but the very thought makes him want to crawl out of his skin. Still, he's seeing 37 bite down on her lip way, way too hard, and can only think that bottling everything up is only going to lead to an explosion later on.

(Nevermind the fact that he's a complete hypocrite thinking that.)

Accelerator hesitates, his hands curling into fists.]

.... I don't know if any of this is bullshit. It's possible we're being lied to by Echo.

[He isn't going to sugarcoat that. While he likes Aurora, he still hasn't seen proof that they're saving their universes by completing these missions. It's all very vague, and like many people here he's skeptical.

Another thought comes to him, and he pauses his answer. Grabbing his crutch, he gets to his feet, walking over to the bathroom briefly to retrieve a box of tissues and a damp washcloth for her. Sitting back down, he holds out both of them for her to take. He might not be good at comforting someone, but he can at least do that before continuing his answer to her.]

But I'm responsible for 1.8 million kids back home. I'm not going to endanger them on a hunch, so I've been taking part in these damn missions.

[Those circumstances are unique to him, he doubts there are many people who are considering the wellbeing of the people in their universe so strongly. He's seen a lot of complaints on Aurora's network that suggests that's the case.

Of course, that's only his decision. He isn't the one having a crisis over what to do, and he looks over at 37 calmly.]

What do you want to do?

( that reminds her... linhardt had also said something familiar of how he didn't want to expose 37 to his thoughts, he wanted her to build her own perspective and then return. the general consensus is that there's lies weaved around what's meant to be the truth. he doesn't believe they're reason for being here is true, accelerator doesn't know if all of this is real. it's only two people, but people who have been here longer than her, really it's something she should bring up to 6. he would know what to say on that matter, but he'd probably confirm that their experiences will help them paint a better understanding.

when he leaves, there's that chance to escape where she looks over to the window she had crawled in. she's such a silly girl, she knows she would be scolded from making this decision if it were back home. then again, back home before there was nothing to cry about at all, the most she'd do was sulk if 210 won against her in an argument, or if she didn't understand something.

what she doesn't expect is the box of tissues and the wash cloth. as much as she doesn't know how to verbally respond, she instead lifts her hand to grab them one at a time to sit in her lap.

the shadows on the wall flicker too much, this world is different from the world they lived in before, and so as long as they go out and understand then they can make judgements. then there it goes again, what they're working for in another world is the building block of what they do in this one. same equation that has never changed, and accelerator's goals remain what they were.

37 pulls one tissue out from the box, the shape is of a frail rhombus in her hand, and knowing how thin and flimsy it is that it will break soon enough. she brings it to her face to wipe away at the tears, she's managing so well. )

I... can't. ( she starts off as her hands tremble, and she exhales a deep breath as the same tissue comes to her lip. the faith taste of her tears there on her lip too when she tries to wipe away the blood. ) I can't let everything be in vain, the circle may have shrunk, and the Transcendental law is in disarray, but... I can't let 210, 888, my mother...

( oh, through all her mother's teachings, she can't let it all wash away just like that. that's when she finds herself tilting emotionally, the whole world starting to blur as tears drop faster than before. drops fall to her lap and onto the warm fabric of the cloth, )

I promised 6, I promised him I would do something and... ( she wants to make herself stop, she doesn't want to cry here, but when she talks she feels like... that sobbing breaks through, and she has to stop even trying.

please apeiron, keep her composed. unfortunately, even if she begs, she just breaks down over the technicalities. ) and... if I don't... It's all my fault. He won't say it, but I should have been faster in figuring it out, I should have done something more and... if I don't do something here, everyone who died, and my new friends, and... Sophia...

( would their last meeting really be like that, would she never see her again, she feels almost sick. that she switches for the warm rag to bring it up to her eyes, the warm compress to soothe and catch the tears as she cries. )

6 is all I have, and everything... everything is gone if I don't fix this, and if I fail... he'll leave me too. Then...

( what's left? what's left? )

[He's at least grateful when she accepts the tissues and cloth. It's a small gesture and nowhere near enough to help her, but it's something. He'd like to hope it's better than nothing.

Is it better than nothing? She's crying, and he can only that'll end up helping, too. It's hard to sit here though, he feels useless. All this dumb strength and he can't do a damn thing to help her. There's too much responsibility on her shoulders, she's been through too much for someone so young. He really hates this.]

..............

[He should call 6. He could claim 6 wouldn't leave her, but it'd be a bald-faced lie. He isn't 6, he doesn't know him all that well, he can't reassure her that 6 would stay. And even if 6 would stick around, the guy is so passive that it might come across in a way that 37 misunderstands due to her emotional state. He doesn't want to make things worse, and he doesn't want to inadvertently cause 6 to make things worse.

.... He's going to have to message him later about this, though. Have some words with him in private so he's aware of what's going on with 37, in case he already isn't.

For now he's just quiet for several long moments. There aren't any words coming to mind that feel appropriate. He's already said he'll help her, he can't give her any answers about the choices of her people, and he doesn't know hot to comfort someone who's experienced so much death despite having gone through it a lot himself.

So what the hell is he supposed to do?

Last Order comes to mind. In Russia, after she had been fixed from whatever the hell Aleister had been doing to her. She had been okay, and he had hugged her for the first time.

37 isn't Last Order, he still can't bring himself to engage that much physically. But....

But he awkwardly reaches a hand up, gently settling it on her shoulder.]

( when he touches her shoulder, she lifts her head in alert, an instant flinch and her eyes widen as she looks at him. it's not the fact that he touched her, it's more so that she's realizing the situation of how she's been crying, and how her cheeks are stained by her own tears. 37's eyes are blurry, they burn, but her smile is weak, and it trembles as she attempts to show how grateful she is—

...

it falls as easy as it comes, her eyes soon fall too from no longer looking at accelerator to down at her hands. she lifts it to rest one hand over his own, the touch lingers in a way to reassure him in a different way if her smile is unable to cover it. it's funny, she's crying over her friends that are long gone, and even though accelerator said he would help her before... maybe she should be grateful they're not friends like he said... that makes it so she has nothing to lose.

what can you lose that you never had? )

I'm sorry...

( she whispers, shaking her head and using one hand to wipe away at her eyes to dry them. it doesn't work so much, but she's already pushing herself up from the couch so accelerator's hand is removed from her shoulder.

part of her wishes that she didn't have to get up, a comforting hand does a lot, it assisted in grounding her... making her realize that if she wants to do these things then she can't sit here and cry. she wants to, this isn't something he has to deal with because in the end he's only a stranger who is living in a peculiar world much like she is. )

I should go... I didn't mean... ( that seems to be the right choice, she won't put him in this position... she'll find somewhere to cry and she'll think these things over. accelerator has been through his own ups and downs, but he isn't sitting here crying, so... it feels wrong to do this. ) Thank you... for helping me with...

( she tilts her head to indicate the earpiece as she takes a step back, then another so she can properly go to the door. )

[There's still an uncomfortable knot in his stomach when 37 settles her hand atop is. As far as he can tell he isn't making things any worse, which is... good? Is any of this good? It doesn't feel like it is. She deserves a hell of a lot more than some monster trying to help her through this. She especially shouldn't be apologizing to him.

When 37 stands Accelerator lets his hand drop.

He gives her a small shrug. Normally he'd follow up with something like "whatever" or "it's not a big deal," some dismissive statement that makes him look indifferent. Except this was a big deal, and Accelerator doesn't want to downplay what happened to her and what she's still going through.]

Next time don't go around knocking on windows. You can use the door. Alright?

[That he can easily offer. He's used to Last Order and Qliphah getting in his space, and Asuka shows up to hang out pretty often, so he doesn't mind at all if 37 does the same. It'd be better for her if she did, instead of shutting herself away alone.]

( the door, oh, she could if she remembers, but she feels a little dizzy at this point as she makes her way to the door. her eyes fall to the knob to turn, another audible sniffle as she turns it. )

I- I'll try my best.

( it comes out as a mumble that she can't quite promise, if anything, she wants to sit in her room and think about if there's something wrong with her. she should be used to this feeling that those taken away by the emanation are in a happier place, that's how she should feel...and yet, apeiron did speak up on her doubts.

her heart sinks a little more as she shakes her head to try and get rid of it.

not now, not right now. her sleeve lifts to her face to wipe away the tears from her face knowing she can't return home to 6 like this. it's not his place to even ask what's wrong, but if he knows, then he'll be able to tell what the issue is. she won't let him think she's weak or will make mistakes or anything... part of her wishes she could have done that for accelerator too... but he knows that she too struggles. staring at the door, she manages to turn around just a little to acknowledge accelerator one last time— blue meets red. )

Um... Goodbye.

( she doesn't wait for a response, she doesn't really want one, but she does leave with the door shutting behind her. )

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