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un: Accelerator
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( that reminds her... linhardt had also said something familiar of how he didn't want to expose 37 to his thoughts, he wanted her to build her own perspective and then return. the general consensus is that there's lies weaved around what's meant to be the truth. he doesn't believe they're reason for being here is true, accelerator doesn't know if all of this is real. it's only two people, but people who have been here longer than her, really it's something she should bring up to 6. he would know what to say on that matter, but he'd probably confirm that their experiences will help them paint a better understanding.

when he leaves, there's that chance to escape where she looks over to the window she had crawled in. she's such a silly girl, she knows she would be scolded from making this decision if it were back home. then again, back home before there was nothing to cry about at all, the most she'd do was sulk if 210 won against her in an argument, or if she didn't understand something.

what she doesn't expect is the box of tissues and the wash cloth. as much as she doesn't know how to verbally respond, she instead lifts her hand to grab them one at a time to sit in her lap.

the shadows on the wall flicker too much, this world is different from the world they lived in before, and so as long as they go out and understand then they can make judgements. then there it goes again, what they're working for in another world is the building block of what they do in this one. same equation that has never changed, and accelerator's goals remain what they were.

37 pulls one tissue out from the box, the shape is of a frail rhombus in her hand, and knowing how thin and flimsy it is that it will break soon enough. she brings it to her face to wipe away at the tears, she's managing so well. )

I... can't. ( she starts off as her hands tremble, and she exhales a deep breath as the same tissue comes to her lip. the faith taste of her tears there on her lip too when she tries to wipe away the blood. ) I can't let everything be in vain, the circle may have shrunk, and the Transcendental law is in disarray, but... I can't let 210, 888, my mother...

( oh, through all her mother's teachings, she can't let it all wash away just like that. that's when she finds herself tilting emotionally, the whole world starting to blur as tears drop faster than before. drops fall to her lap and onto the warm fabric of the cloth, )

I promised 6, I promised him I would do something and... ( she wants to make herself stop, she doesn't want to cry here, but when she talks she feels like... that sobbing breaks through, and she has to stop even trying.

please apeiron, keep her composed. unfortunately, even if she begs, she just breaks down over the technicalities. ) and... if I don't... It's all my fault. He won't say it, but I should have been faster in figuring it out, I should have done something more and... if I don't do something here, everyone who died, and my new friends, and... Sophia...

( would their last meeting really be like that, would she never see her again, she feels almost sick. that she switches for the warm rag to bring it up to her eyes, the warm compress to soothe and catch the tears as she cries. )

6 is all I have, and everything... everything is gone if I don't fix this, and if I fail... he'll leave me too. Then...

( what's left? what's left? )

[He's at least grateful when she accepts the tissues and cloth. It's a small gesture and nowhere near enough to help her, but it's something. He'd like to hope it's better than nothing.

Is it better than nothing? She's crying, and he can only that'll end up helping, too. It's hard to sit here though, he feels useless. All this dumb strength and he can't do a damn thing to help her. There's too much responsibility on her shoulders, she's been through too much for someone so young. He really hates this.]

..............

[He should call 6. He could claim 6 wouldn't leave her, but it'd be a bald-faced lie. He isn't 6, he doesn't know him all that well, he can't reassure her that 6 would stay. And even if 6 would stick around, the guy is so passive that it might come across in a way that 37 misunderstands due to her emotional state. He doesn't want to make things worse, and he doesn't want to inadvertently cause 6 to make things worse.

.... He's going to have to message him later about this, though. Have some words with him in private so he's aware of what's going on with 37, in case he already isn't.

For now he's just quiet for several long moments. There aren't any words coming to mind that feel appropriate. He's already said he'll help her, he can't give her any answers about the choices of her people, and he doesn't know hot to comfort someone who's experienced so much death despite having gone through it a lot himself.

So what the hell is he supposed to do?

Last Order comes to mind. In Russia, after she had been fixed from whatever the hell Aleister had been doing to her. She had been okay, and he had hugged her for the first time.

37 isn't Last Order, he still can't bring himself to engage that much physically. But....

But he awkwardly reaches a hand up, gently settling it on her shoulder.]

( when he touches her shoulder, she lifts her head in alert, an instant flinch and her eyes widen as she looks at him. it's not the fact that he touched her, it's more so that she's realizing the situation of how she's been crying, and how her cheeks are stained by her own tears. 37's eyes are blurry, they burn, but her smile is weak, and it trembles as she attempts to show how grateful she is—

...

it falls as easy as it comes, her eyes soon fall too from no longer looking at accelerator to down at her hands. she lifts it to rest one hand over his own, the touch lingers in a way to reassure him in a different way if her smile is unable to cover it. it's funny, she's crying over her friends that are long gone, and even though accelerator said he would help her before... maybe she should be grateful they're not friends like he said... that makes it so she has nothing to lose.

what can you lose that you never had? )

I'm sorry...

( she whispers, shaking her head and using one hand to wipe away at her eyes to dry them. it doesn't work so much, but she's already pushing herself up from the couch so accelerator's hand is removed from her shoulder.

part of her wishes that she didn't have to get up, a comforting hand does a lot, it assisted in grounding her... making her realize that if she wants to do these things then she can't sit here and cry. she wants to, this isn't something he has to deal with because in the end he's only a stranger who is living in a peculiar world much like she is. )

I should go... I didn't mean... ( that seems to be the right choice, she won't put him in this position... she'll find somewhere to cry and she'll think these things over. accelerator has been through his own ups and downs, but he isn't sitting here crying, so... it feels wrong to do this. ) Thank you... for helping me with...

( she tilts her head to indicate the earpiece as she takes a step back, then another so she can properly go to the door. )

[There's still an uncomfortable knot in his stomach when 37 settles her hand atop is. As far as he can tell he isn't making things any worse, which is... good? Is any of this good? It doesn't feel like it is. She deserves a hell of a lot more than some monster trying to help her through this. She especially shouldn't be apologizing to him.

When 37 stands Accelerator lets his hand drop.

He gives her a small shrug. Normally he'd follow up with something like "whatever" or "it's not a big deal," some dismissive statement that makes him look indifferent. Except this was a big deal, and Accelerator doesn't want to downplay what happened to her and what she's still going through.]

Next time don't go around knocking on windows. You can use the door. Alright?

[That he can easily offer. He's used to Last Order and Qliphah getting in his space, and Asuka shows up to hang out pretty often, so he doesn't mind at all if 37 does the same. It'd be better for her if she did, instead of shutting herself away alone.]

( the door, oh, she could if she remembers, but she feels a little dizzy at this point as she makes her way to the door. her eyes fall to the knob to turn, another audible sniffle as she turns it. )

I- I'll try my best.

( it comes out as a mumble that she can't quite promise, if anything, she wants to sit in her room and think about if there's something wrong with her. she should be used to this feeling that those taken away by the emanation are in a happier place, that's how she should feel...and yet, apeiron did speak up on her doubts.

her heart sinks a little more as she shakes her head to try and get rid of it.

not now, not right now. her sleeve lifts to her face to wipe away the tears from her face knowing she can't return home to 6 like this. it's not his place to even ask what's wrong, but if he knows, then he'll be able to tell what the issue is. she won't let him think she's weak or will make mistakes or anything... part of her wishes she could have done that for accelerator too... but he knows that she too struggles. staring at the door, she manages to turn around just a little to acknowledge accelerator one last time— blue meets red. )

Um... Goodbye.

( she doesn't wait for a response, she doesn't really want one, but she does leave with the door shutting behind her. )

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