levelshift | Metaheroes Inbox

You were abused. You know that, don't you?

( accelerator's childhood wasn't--great. hell, jason's was shit but it wasn't that shit. he knew his mom loved him, even if she was out of it most the time. even if she died on him when he was still small and it left him alone. he still knew what it felt like, to have someone actually care about his well-being.

from what he's heard, it's not something they have in common. )

You were used, manipulated. The people who were supposed to make sure you were safe and happy abandoned you. It doesn't matter what you did. Monsters, the real ones, don't give a shit who they've hurt an' what damage they've caused. They'll go for it again, an' again, 'cause fuck everyone else. If it doesn't benefit 'em, why bother. I don't need to know what it was you did. I can hear you now, which's all I need.

[Accelerator is quiet as he listens, and by the time Jason is finished talking he realizes that his hand is shaking, and he's squeezing his phone like he wants to break the damn thing.

He was abused. He was abused.

That's laughable. Completely absurd.

(It isn't, but it hurts to hear all of this being voiced out loud. He can't handle it.)]

It doesn't matter how I was raised. I knew exactly what I was doing the entire time.

[That isn't entirely accurate. The scientists had told him the Sisters were dolls rather than people, that what he was doing wasn't murder at all, and he had believed them. But acknowledging that might lead to him thinking of himself as a victim and, well....]

Stop seeing me with rose-coloured glasses. Just because the fucking scientists that developed me were monsters doesn't mean I'm not one, too.

My old man used to knock me around, before he went off and died in prison. He also taught me how to pick pockets, hot wire cars, steal tires, all the useful shit a kid in crime alley might need.

( he's not sure if it's harder or easier, over the phone. at least jason could quickly press the end button if he needed to. as it is, he figures--accelerator needs this more than jason needs to avoid it. )

I killed a guy before I'd even hit double digits. I wasn't intending on it, but I sure as hell didn't regret it. I almost killed my brothers, several times. An' they didn't do jack shit to deserve it. I was so angry, I just threw that anger 'round at every single goddamn person I could take it out on. Slit Tim's throat, shot him, stabbed him, broke into his place an' beat the shit out of him while telling him he was trash. He wasn't, he's always been better than me. I was the monster. The asshole who went around trying to drag everyone else down with me, 'cause I was full of piss and vinegar and wanted them to feel it.

( his head hits the back of the couch, and jason lets his eyes close. )

I was scared, of what I'd find if I let go of all that anger. Or what I wouldn't find--was there anything left of the kid who'd wanted to try to be something better? ( he's - relating, because jason doesn't know how the hell else to express that he does get it. if anyone told jason he was abused, he'd tell them they're idiots. he's fine. aside from the dying bit and the anger issues he's learned to acknowledge years after the fact, clearly there's nothing wrong with him. his dad was an ass, but that's just how shit is in the bowery. it's normal. the watching over his shoulder constantly--everyone with half a brain in gotham does that. but he can acknowledge it second-hand, like this. )

I ain't looking at you through rose-colored lenses. I can see you're trying. You pulled some fucked up shit in the past, I get it. I have, too. Shit I can never, ever make up for. But if you really were a monster, you wouldn't be sitting there telling me you can't make up for it. Monsters don't care 'bout the damage they've done. Mistakes're human.

....

[It feels invasive - wrong to be hearing all of this from Jason. These are things you keep between family, maybe close friends. Not some abrasive brat you've decided has things in common with you, one who's actively trying to push you away. Even if hearing some of this (killing someone at an age even younger than he was when he killed Misaka #00001, almost killing family) kind of makes him feel like he wants to just relent and acknowledge everything Jason wants him to acknowledge, he can't.

He sucks in a deep breath and lowers the phone, staring down at it in silence. The temptation to just hang up is really, really strong, but he can't. Jason doesn't deserve to open up this much without him doing the same in return -- no, that isn't right.

Jason doesn't deserve to open up this much when the person he's opening up to isn't some abused victim. He needs to be honest, even if he has said he doesn't care about anything he's done in the past. It matters to Accelerator, though. He doesn't want to erase what he did and pretend like it never happened.

He lifts the phone back up to his ear, his hand still shaking. His voice has lost its angry edge - now he just sounds cold and blunt.]

I murdered ten thousand and thirty-one innocent girls. None of those deaths were a mistake.

but not YOU

missed opportunity btw

Nope.

I would've come up with something stupid at that age, probably.

why? do you know some stupid ones?

[Dish!]

'Move Point' is pretty shit. Same with 'Dark Matter.'

[Is he just taking this as a chance to dunk on Kakine and Musujime? Maybe.]

Anyways, I was a little kid when they came up with the name. Kids aren't good at naming things, that's all.

( he's quiet, for a moment. still breathing steadily, running through the numbers in his head because jesus christ. jason's done some damage, but he's also not - well, he's not accelerator, he doesn't know the extent of accelerator's abilities, but he knows it can cause a lot more chaos than what jason could manage on his own.

jason pulls himself up to his feet, wincing at the ache, but makes his way towards the door. switches the phone connection to his earpiece, which he shoves in before reaching for his helmet. and when he does speak up, it's still in that easy, soft tone.)

You at home?

[This time he doesn't complain or offer any smarm.]

.... Yeah.

[Jason's voice is still soft, but he's expecting the absolute worst here. Why shouldn't he? He just dropped a massive nuclear bomb on him, and without any context that could allow for some sympathy.]

( phone down in his pocket, and jason's heading out the door to his apartment. makes sure it's locked behind him and the security system is up and running. his bike stays inside but down on the first floor, given the elevator in this building isn't really meant to support some asshole bringing in his bike. his left shoulder is still fucked, but it's not so bad he can't drive. so it's fine. )

I'm heading over. Don't hang up.

[It isn't the least bit surprising that Jason wants to come over. That he wants him to stay on the phone is a little weird, though.]

Why? There isn't much else to say.

( because jason always takes silence in the worst way possible. he finds reasons to be angry, or expect the worst out of people. or uses it to take off when he doesn't want to deal with something. because he refuses to accept help or pity from anyone. because he makes everything harder on himself, intentionally, because he doesn't deserve sympathy.

because he has a feeling accelerator feels close to the same. )

'cause if I fall over, at least you'll know about where I am.

( he's in the elevator, going down the several floors between his own and the ground. jason usually lets himself out the windows, but today isn't a good day for that. )

Tche.

[He doesn't have a lot of fight in him to begin with when it comes to this subject, and with Jason's shoulder likely still healing all he does is click his tongue.]

Just don't fucking crash on account of me. [It isn't a big deal to stay on the line, and doing so means he can't completely focus on what he assumes is going to be the worst possible outcome of all this.]

I won't.

( he's pulling his bike out of the room that is absolutely not meant for motorcycles but is now, because jason said so. walks it out of the apartment building, and swings a leg over it to get on it. luckily, his hands are fine even if moving his arm out that far hurts like a bitch. he can drive just fine. )

Which's your coffee of the week this time?

( just to fill in the empty space, while he--makes his way on over. he doesn't want to get too deep when he's not close by. )

[He rubs the bridge of his nose. This feels like a ridiculous question to answer.]

Rise Brewing Company original black. It's fine, I guess, but not many of the convenience stores in this city stock it.

whats wrong with dark matter? sounds kinda cool to me

["Move Point" is stupid though.]

some kids are more creative than others, right?

Y'know there's a shitton of better coffees that don't come in cans, right?

( his helmet's on, which does enough to muffle the bike's engine in the background. jason doesn't give a shit about speed laws, so he'll get there--quickish. )

Dark Matter is shit.

[He's very biased.]

I doubt there are many of them creative enough to come up with what's basically their second name without it sounding like crap. I know I wasn't at that age.

[He probably would've picked something tokusatsu-related.....

Or no, kaiju-related. God, that would've been embarrassing.]

Yeah, but it doesn't hit in the same way.

[It's a very unhealthy addiction in more ways than one, and Accelerator being who he is hasn't bothered to give it a lot of thought.]

[Deprived of the kaiju-inspired name... alas.]

I bet I could have done a good job!

[Leo you can't come up with a decent codename for yourself as a teenager.]

[Sus.]

I seriously doubt that.

you don't think I'm creative???

Not that creative, no.

Didn't realize the container it came in was so important.

( he'll have to make a note to ask tim for his recs later. jason'll take coffee, but he's more of a black coffee in a cheap cup at 4am on top of a rooftop kind of guy - or tea, when he has the option. tim, on the other hand, probably knows enough to offer some good recommendations.

the bike slows to a stop, and jason pulls off his helmet. keeps the earpiece in. )

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