Etraya Inbox

[levelshift]

un: Accelerator
[Text | Video | Audio | In-person]

Comments

[levelshift]

[Do not start figuring him out, Jayce. He won't allow it.]

Well, I'm an asshole and a monster. I'm not a good person, so by all rights disliking me is what any reasonable person should be doing.

1/2

[hexcope]

[He just started figuring out Damian, he's on a roll.]

All this time...

2/2

[hexcope]

It was teen angst.

1/2

[levelshift]

[??!!!????]

2/2

[levelshift]

I'm a convicted felon, you bastard! Teen angst has nothing to do with this!

[hexcope]

They let a convicted felon run a city?

[levelshift]

What part of 'totalitarian dictator' do you not understand? That piece of shit founder had rules and contingencies in place so he could keep running the place even if he was ever put in prison, and I inherited all of that.

[He clicks his tongue.]

But the point is, I'm a fucking terrible person.

[hexcope]

[Maybe it's a good thing it's not video because he's rolling his eyes at this point.]

Oh, please. I'm not buying this anymore.

You took on a role you didn’t want. With the original leader who let problems get worse and fester over the years gone, you decided to try and make the best of it by using your status as unquestioned leader to make sweeping changes for the better, cut out the corruption, end the shady deals, but then it turns out you can’t do all that so easily. There’s pushback you can’t get around, and so you have to make some concessions. All the while, there’s other nations at your door trying to get a hold of what put your city on the map— the advancements, the research— by whatever means necessary.

Did I sum that up right?

[levelshift]

[Fuck you too, Jayce.

There's a few beats of silence, before Accelerator grudgingly replies.]

... Mostly. I'm not making any concessions for people, that's why I was convicted. If I allow for any kind of exception then I'm no different than all the other bastards with the privilege to get away with things worse than murder. I have to lead by example.

[Among other reasons, but he doesn't want to talk about the Sisters right now.]

[hexcope]

Yeah, well...

What I described was actually my last week in Piltover. Beat for beat, concessions included. So maybe you don't get to call yourself a monster, unless you want to call me one too.

[levelshift]

[Wait, hold up.]

... What the hell are you talking about?

[hexcope]

I was pushed into joining the Piltover Council- our highest form of government. Only a few days in, I had the acting Council head, my former professor, removed. He had been there for decades. So... I became the leader of the Council. I had been trying to fix things- suspicious shipments, enforcer corruption- but if I didn't cut deals with the elites, I would have lost control of everything. So I cut deals; turned them around to my own benefit... for Hextech. Meanwhile, Zaun's throwing riots because I shut down access between our cities, and a Noxian army arrives to gently persuade me to make weapons.

Sick of me yet? There's still more.

[levelshift]

[Oh, what the fuck. Accelerator thought this guy was a scientist! He never mentioned anything about being governmental before!

Then there's a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, because he gets what it's like to be thrown into the deep end of politics. When you have the best intentions but absolutely everything goes to hell, and it feels like the world is on fire and it's all your fault.

God, he hates it when he empathizes with people. He drags a hand down his face, glad this is only audio.]

... Okay, keep going.

[hexcope]

[Jayce doesn't keep going just yet. All that happens for a few seconds is a long inhale and a shaky exhale.]

This is the part where... I'd understand if you don't want to speak with me again.

Pressure's building up. There had been a theft of my research and gemstone- that thing I had told you about, harnesses magical energy? We know the thief- Jinx. She works for Silco. No one seems to want to take action against who we know is responsible, who dodged investigation for years because of that same enforcer corruption. They want a peaceful negotiation, and I... I'm tired of the back and forth. Of no solutions working. So I'm convinced to lead an illegal strike on Silco's factories, and... I made a weapon. I used it. I lost control of myself.

[Another pause. He feels the acid rise up in his throat. It still doesn't get easier to talk about.]

He looked around your age.

[levelshift]

[Jinx, whom he met on the train, and Silco, whom he met when that weird goat kidnapped them. He'd seen some of the bickering on the network, but he never bothered paying it much mind. Guess that was a dumb assumption to make.

Accelerator is silent as he listens and, well, he's sure there's now tons of gaps in his knowledge. Jinx seemed pretty smart, but he wouldn't have guessed she's... what? A terrorist? If she's working for Silco, then maybe. That guy is a whole other kettle of fish. He was clearly running something, maybe Zaun? Both Jayce and Jinx mentioned it before, and Jayce just now said he's part of Piltover's council --

So the two - nations? Cities? Whatever - were in conflict - he doesn't know what the hell Jayce means by 'factories' - there's a lot he still doesn't know, but his brain is going ahead and sliding what pieces he has into place, making all of that connections like it normally does. It all takes less than a second, though he's silent for a few moments after Jayce finishes. All of that stuff, understanding Zaun and Piltover, it's easy compared to the emotional aspect of this story.

Namely, that Jayce has apparently committed murder.

Not something Accelerator would have ever pegged him for. He's practically the human version of a golden retriever, for crying out loud, and his gut instinct is to be pissed off that some poor kid died because an adult couldn't control himself. That's the easy option, just be pissed off at Jayce, but he knows it wouldn't be the mature one.

He draws in a deep breath. This is going to suck, he can't even remember the face of the person he's thinking of.]

One of my previous legal guardians is a teacher and works for law enforcement in my city, and even though the majority of the criminals she encounters are kids, she won't ever raise a weapon at a child.

[Now that he's saying that out loud, it really sounds like he's going in a certain direction with this. He continues.]

There's a reason for that. She follows that rule because she wants to pay back a debt for something she did. Sounds like you're in the same boat.

[hexcope]

[It does sound like Accelerator's going down a certain path with that comment. Jayce holds his breath, swallows hard. He's only told Caitlyn about this. She knows him— would know it was an accident. He didn't have the courage to tell anyone else, until now. It felt... important to admit, here. Even if it means he's going to lose someone.

Jayce waits for the other shoe to drop, but then it doesn't. It's not... blame. It's understanding.]

Yeah.

[Why he reacted so strongly about kids being hurt, mangled, killed. All the guilt he feels spread through every single cell, he could never do something like that again. How could anyone do it over, and over, and over?]

[levelshift]

[Jayce's reaction to the child experimentation makes a lot more sense now. It goes beyond just being appalled at such a horrific use of science, it's having to relive the memories of what sounds like one of the worst days of his life. He was inadvertently digging up fresh trauma by explaining Academy City, and he didn't even realize it.

There's a twinge of regret in him for doing that, he knows damn well to be confronted with your trauma when you aren't prepared for it.

... Still.]

That said.

[Yeah. Accelerator knows he isn't a nice person. He's offered some understanding and he doesn't hate Jayce for what happened, but he isn't about to roll over and be some sappy, compassionate softie.]

That's really fucked up. You couldn't control yourself enough to avoid killing some kid? Come the fuck on, you're an adult. You should know better than that!

[There's a growl in his voice.]

When you have power, whether that's fucking political power or a weapon or whatever, you have a responsibility to not be a complete shithead with it! You don't get to indulge yourself, because when you do this kind of thing always happens.

[hexcope]

[...And there's the other shoe.]

Y— You think I don't know that?! There were- a dozen ... horrible, chemtank zombies, and they moved so fast, I-I just kept firing—

[He sounds like he's on the verge of tears again.]

[levelshift]

So?? [He has no idea what chemtank zombies are. He knows what zombies in general are, and this makes them sound like some kind of souped up version.] If you aren't prepared for the consequences of killing anyone then you don't fucking pick up a weapon!

[Accelerator can hear the tremor in Jayce's voice. Maybe it's a good thing, emotional catharsis or whatever.]

What the hell did you think would happen?

[hexcope]

I didn't- think there'd be children there!

[His voice cracks, and he turns off his audio channel. He shouldn't have said anything. He fucked up.]

[levelshift]

[Accelerator bites back the urge to ask if he thought at all. It's tempting to say that, but he isn't trying to make the guy have a break down. He draws in a slow breath, taking a moment to choose his next words and let his tone calm down.]

Well, there was. That guilt you're feeling? It doesn't go away. Congratulations, you're stuck with it for the rest of your life. Even ten years down the road, after you've put some distance between yourself and what happened, or even if you talk to people about it. I don't know, people might tell you it'll get better eventually, but they're fucking liars. It's always going to be there.

[He knows this from personal experience.]

It's up to you what you want to do with it. No one else.

[hexcope]

[And just like when he tried to speak to Vi about this, that same reaction. Of course you should feel guilt. You've always been responsible for this. Whether you do it yourself, or just by putting your head in the sand, you're responsible for this.

If Accelerator meant for this to be reassuring, it does the dead opposite. When Jayce eventually turns his audio back on, he's quietly furious.]

I didn't tell you all this so you could psychoanalyze me.

[levelshift]

I'm not trying to.

[Gross man, he isn't a psychiatrist. He'd be more offended if this was a normal conversation.]

That was the first time you killed someone, right?

[hexcope]

And this is where you say you did it, too? Do you want me to berate you for it too, like you just did to me?

I don't play these kinds of games. Say you can't stand me, and we just part ways. I'm not looking for lesson from the more experienced murderer on how to feel guilt until the day I die.

[levelshift]

[He almost wishes he could go back to yelling at him. That would be so much easier than trying to help.]

... I'm pissed off, but I don't hate you, Talis. You're not some monster, you just fucked up really badly. [There's an awkward pause before he adds:] I don't want you getting your hopes up that it gets better. That's all.

[Because, in his experience, it doesn't.]