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[It does sound like Accelerator's going down a certain path with that comment. Jayce holds his breath, swallows hard. He's only told Caitlyn about this. She knows him— would know it was an accident. He didn't have the courage to tell anyone else, until now. It felt... important to admit, here. Even if it means he's going to lose someone.

Jayce waits for the other shoe to drop, but then it doesn't. It's not... blame. It's understanding.]

Yeah.

[Why he reacted so strongly about kids being hurt, mangled, killed. All the guilt he feels spread through every single cell, he could never do something like that again. How could anyone do it over, and over, and over?]

[Jayce's reaction to the child experimentation makes a lot more sense now. It goes beyond just being appalled at such a horrific use of science, it's having to relive the memories of what sounds like one of the worst days of his life. He was inadvertently digging up fresh trauma by explaining Academy City, and he didn't even realize it.

There's a twinge of regret in him for doing that, he knows damn well to be confronted with your trauma when you aren't prepared for it.

... Still.]

That said.

[Yeah. Accelerator knows he isn't a nice person. He's offered some understanding and he doesn't hate Jayce for what happened, but he isn't about to roll over and be some sappy, compassionate softie.]

That's really fucked up. You couldn't control yourself enough to avoid killing some kid? Come the fuck on, you're an adult. You should know better than that!

[There's a growl in his voice.]

When you have power, whether that's fucking political power or a weapon or whatever, you have a responsibility to not be a complete shithead with it! You don't get to indulge yourself, because when you do this kind of thing always happens.

[...And there's the other shoe.]

Y— You think I don't know that?! There were- a dozen ... horrible, chemtank zombies, and they moved so fast, I-I just kept firing—

[He sounds like he's on the verge of tears again.]

So?? [He has no idea what chemtank zombies are. He knows what zombies in general are, and this makes them sound like some kind of souped up version.] If you aren't prepared for the consequences of killing anyone then you don't fucking pick up a weapon!

[Accelerator can hear the tremor in Jayce's voice. Maybe it's a good thing, emotional catharsis or whatever.]

What the hell did you think would happen?

I didn't- think there'd be children there!

[His voice cracks, and he turns off his audio channel. He shouldn't have said anything. He fucked up.]

[Accelerator bites back the urge to ask if he thought at all. It's tempting to say that, but he isn't trying to make the guy have a break down. He draws in a slow breath, taking a moment to choose his next words and let his tone calm down.]

Well, there was. That guilt you're feeling? It doesn't go away. Congratulations, you're stuck with it for the rest of your life. Even ten years down the road, after you've put some distance between yourself and what happened, or even if you talk to people about it. I don't know, people might tell you it'll get better eventually, but they're fucking liars. It's always going to be there.

[He knows this from personal experience.]

It's up to you what you want to do with it. No one else.

[And just like when he tried to speak to Vi about this, that same reaction. Of course you should feel guilt. You've always been responsible for this. Whether you do it yourself, or just by putting your head in the sand, you're responsible for this.

If Accelerator meant for this to be reassuring, it does the dead opposite. When Jayce eventually turns his audio back on, he's quietly furious.]

I didn't tell you all this so you could psychoanalyze me.

Edited 2025-03-07 02:52 (UTC)

I'm not trying to.

[Gross man, he isn't a psychiatrist. He'd be more offended if this was a normal conversation.]

That was the first time you killed someone, right?

And this is where you say you did it, too? Do you want me to berate you for it too, like you just did to me?

I don't play these kinds of games. Say you can't stand me, and we just part ways. I'm not looking for lesson from the more experienced murderer on how to feel guilt until the day I die.

[He almost wishes he could go back to yelling at him. That would be so much easier than trying to help.]

... I'm pissed off, but I don't hate you, Talis. You're not some monster, you just fucked up really badly. [There's an awkward pause before he adds:] I don't want you getting your hopes up that it gets better. That's all.

[Because, in his experience, it doesn't.]

Then why are you trying to make me feel like one? Do you think you're helping when you say that shit?

Forget it. Sorry I said anything at all.

......

[Yeah, he thought he was. He isn't sure why he's bothering trying to help, he knows he's total dogshit at this.

When he replies he's a little quieter.]

... Sorry. I'm not sure what you wanted to hear from me.

I wanted to find common ground, so we could talk again. Now? I don't know. Feels scorched.

If you still care about me at all, please don't tell anyone this. I can't deal with the idea everyone might look at me the same way you will.

[A disappointment.]

You get used to it.

[He's saying that dully, even though it isn't totally true. Yeah, this has happened often enough that he expects it, but if he were truly numb to it then he wouldn't be feeling bad right now.]

I won't tell anyone. I get it, this is personal and nobody else's business.

[I don't want to get used to it.]

Thanks.

[And now this time, he doesn't answer further.]

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LESSONS* ugh

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