levelshift | Etraya Inbox

Hank hates the RoboCops, but one thing they’re good for?

Helping deliver Christmas presents, because Hank has no idea where most people live, or are currently dwelling, or whatever.

A note atop a package reads:

Hey, kid.

Don’t rip up this note yet. I’m old. Let me talk.

Connor said something to me once that stuck with me. It was about not being able to change the past, but learning to live again for yourself. And for those you’ve lost, too. You think about that, okay?

Now you can get mad and rip this up if you want.

〰️ Hank 🎄

He drew a little Christmas tree just to be an asshole.

Inside the package is an assortment of different coffees: some instant, some not. Citrus! Bold flavors! Hopefully something out of the bunch will be enjoyable.

Accelerator spends Christmas in bed, so he doesn't find the coffee and note until the following day.

He should be used to receiving gifts after getting a copy of Dune from Harold. But even though he had ultimately accepted it it was awkward, and he hates the idea that Harold thinks he's worthwhile enough to be considered during the holidays. It's awful, he isn't and Harold is wrong for thinking that. He didn't deserve the book, and he doesn't deserve the coffee.

That's why he's put in a sour mood when he finds the gift, bringing it into his apartment before reading the note.

It hits him, hard. There's no way Hank could have the full story of the Sisters, even Connor doesn't have that, but his words still hit too close to home. Months ago, when he was home, another esper had helped him come to the realization that half of the Sisters are dead and gone, that there's nothing he can do to change that. All he can do is be there for the remaining ones, and serve as proof that the first ten thousand existed. He can't bring the dead back, but he can live for them regardless.

It's been months since he's seen any of the remaining Sisters, or Last Order. The note reminds him of them, and before he can stop it he's hit with a wave of homesickness.

He crawls back into bed for a little bit, until he feels an overwhelming urge for canned coffee. At the very least, he makes some of the instant stuff Hank gave him. Then he sends a text.

Hey, old man. I don't fucking celebrate Christmas. You were wasting your time getting me something.

I was thinking of you and in a POSITIVE way so you’re just gonna have to deal with that, kid

I know certain days of the year can just fucking suck so I hope you got through okay

[Christmas especially will never be easy for Hank, but then there’s his son’s birthday. And Easter, and Halloween. Fathers’ Day, in its own way.

Basically, a lot of days just kind of suck. Hank gets it.]

Don’t be too hard on yourself

Fuck you.

[He isn't sure what else to type, so Hank gets that. He doubts the guy will get offended, he's just having a lot of bad feelings right now and it's making him aggressive.]

I'm not going to easy on myself. I've done a lot of rotten shit in my life, that would be fucked up.

Fuck you too, kid

[Hank types this entirely without animosity. It’s kind of just becoming something oddly endearing for him to say to Accelerator.]

You sure do like assuming shit about what I say, huh

Said don’t be too hard on yourself. Didn’t say anything about easy. Life isn’t easy

[He almost leaves the conversation at that. Taking off his stupid earpiece and setting it down. But he’s got another think coming, so he adds:]

Don’t know what you’ve heard about me, but I spend half my time here drinking.

About made a damn fool of myself at Heather’s party

[Hank is a hypocrite. He knows this. But he keeps going.]

Hating yourself is easy. The easiest thing in the world, maybe.

But finding a reason to live? Finding a reason to WANT to live? That’s the hardest fucking thing

[He knows from experience how hard it is, and he knows it won’t be today, nor any day soon... but Hank hopes he’ll be around whenever Accelerator finds that thing.

And he hopes Accelerator won’t be as hard as Hank is on himself in the meantime.]

Edited 2024-12-26 03:40 (UTC)

[Weirdly enough, it feels somewhat normal for an adult to be cursing back at him. Maybe it's because the adults here have been too nice (Vincents excepted).

He reads through all of this, hating all of it. He didn't attend that party so he isn't sure what Hank is talking about (ew, socialization), but given the amount he's claiming he drinks Accelerator can guess. Yomikawa drinks, even though he can't picture her doing it anymore it's still a fact in his mind, though he's always avoided the stuff himself. After seeing that Level 0 get hammered he figured it wouldn't be a good idea for someone as strong as himself to lose that much control.

He supposes Hank must do it for exactly that reason. It'd make hating yourself a lot easier in the moment... though, he isn't sure what reason Hank would have to feel that way about himself. He wants to ask, but that would be an incredibly personal question and he doesn't want to bring up bad memories.

Ugh, what is he supposed to say? He doesn't want to talk about himself, he's trying to project a very specific image when it comes to the Sisters and he doesn't want to ruin that.]

Connor said you're a good and empathetic person.

[Let's just... go with talking about Hank, instead of himself.]

He holds you in high regard. It'd probably be hard for him to hear you talking about this shit.

[Hank’s initial contrary thought is “yeah, well, Connor’s wrong.” But it kind of aches, thinking that now. He doesn’t want Connor to be wrong, but Hank’s been spiraling as of late.

Accelerator’s good. Shifting the conversation back to Connor.]

That’s why I’m talking to you and not Connor.

Connor is [god, where to fucking start?] different. Not just because he’s an android. He’s a hell of a lot stronger than me and I don’t just mean when he’s out there whacking guys

It’s not like me drinking is some big secret I’m keeping from him either. He knows I hate myself too

But that’s not something you can just shut off overnight. You find your reason to keep going and you work on shit. You keep at it

[Again: “do what I say, not as I do.”]

[Look, Accelerator would totally get it if Hank texted back "Connor's wrong" in response to all of that. He likes Connor, and he also thinks Connor is way too nice. Actually, it would probably be easier to commiserate over Connor being Connor than having this conversation. But they aren't and he drags his hands through his hair, slumping on the couch.

This sucks. This sucks so much.]

That's not the kind of thinking I'm used to doing.

[He's sure that isn't the least bit surprising to Hank.]

What's your reason?

I get it. Trust me, I do.

But it’s something to keep in mind, all right? Even if it’s too hard to actually do right now

The whole finding your reason thing

Just try to keep it in mind when you can.

[Hank almost leaves it at that. He isn’t sure whether Accelerator would push him for an answer to his question, anyway.

But it means something — his willingness to answer.]

Connor

Connor’s my reason.

[Hank imagines typing out: And my son, too.

But that’s a whole other can of trauma he’d rather not pry open today.]

[He almost, almost types out that he has nine thousand nine hundred and seventy-one reasons - nearly two billion if he wants to count all the students in the city - but he doesn't want to talk about the Sisters. It hurts too much to do so with people around here.]

If you've got him, does that mean you're working on not drinking anymore? Or at least as much?

[It seems like a reasonable question. Hank's made it clear he hasn't completely stopped, which does bother Accelerator, but it does make him curious as to how he's handling having someone good in his life. Accelerator has people, even if they aren't here, and this is something he thinks about a lot. He knows he isn't the best person to be around Last Order, even though he tries, and there have been plenty of days where he's thought she'd be better off without him in her life, despite her stubbornly insisting otherwise.]

It’s a process

[Which is an absolute non-answer, yeah, and also Hank’s way of saying “kind of.”

Sort of.

Yes and no.]

It’s like Connor helped me turn on a light but the switch got stuck halfway

And it’s all flickery and shit

Like I said. A process.

This place has been

Not good for me

[Obviously. But:]

I thought I wouldn’t give a shit about anyone I met here but that hasn’t been the case

Which is fucking strange. Makes the whole “battling for our worlds” or whatever kind of weird

But there are people here who I think about when I do stupid shit. Sometimes it keeps me from doing the stupid shit. Sometimes it doesn’t.

But they still make me want to be better

[A process. That makes sense. You don't just completely change a habit that affects so much of your life, not only is that potentially dangerous but rewiring the brain by sheer willpower is an incredibly difficult thing to do. It's unfortunate to hear Hank hasn't been able to kick his addiction, but Accelerator understands why.

That's why he chooses to drop some really shitty information. It's better that Hank is aware.]

A lot of people leave. Not that I've sat down and done a whole survey to figure out the statistics, but people only usually stick around for a couple months before disappearing.

[Which his detached way of saying people disappear sometimes, and it's really painful.]

I guess one good way of looking at it is that even if this place is dogshit, you might not be here very long.

That’s kind of why I was getting fucked up at Heather’s party.

Was drinking anyway but Gorgug got to talking about missions and he was saying if I don’t wanna do them so badly, maybe they’ll just send me back

[Gorgug was saying Aurora or whoever might’ve given him a robot baby for a past mission, which was another horrifying thought.]

I guess it’s one thing to be sent here without our consent y’know, then a whole other to be kicked out for whatever reason

Never really thought about it honestly

Figured I’d just be a fuck up here and they’d blow up my world, then I’d be stuck here or they’d figure out a way to really kill me

Don’t know if I’d wanna go back now. Who knows if the world’s all fucked up??

I didn't go to it. I'm not a party kind of person.

[Sounded like a horrible time, so he's very glad he skipped it.]

I guess it makes sense to think like that if you don't have anyone you're responsible for back home. If there's nothing to go back to, what's the point?

[Asuka thinks similarly, having made it clear that her universe is completely fucked and that she doesn't want to go back, so he can't really fault Hank for this.]

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