levelshift | Etraya Inbox

[Hank’s initial contrary thought is “yeah, well, Connor’s wrong.” But it kind of aches, thinking that now. He doesn’t want Connor to be wrong, but Hank’s been spiraling as of late.

Accelerator’s good. Shifting the conversation back to Connor.]

That’s why I’m talking to you and not Connor.

Connor is [god, where to fucking start?] different. Not just because he’s an android. He’s a hell of a lot stronger than me and I don’t just mean when he’s out there whacking guys

It’s not like me drinking is some big secret I’m keeping from him either. He knows I hate myself too

But that’s not something you can just shut off overnight. You find your reason to keep going and you work on shit. You keep at it

[Again: “do what I say, not as I do.”]

[Look, Accelerator would totally get it if Hank texted back "Connor's wrong" in response to all of that. He likes Connor, and he also thinks Connor is way too nice. Actually, it would probably be easier to commiserate over Connor being Connor than having this conversation. But they aren't and he drags his hands through his hair, slumping on the couch.

This sucks. This sucks so much.]

That's not the kind of thinking I'm used to doing.

[He's sure that isn't the least bit surprising to Hank.]

What's your reason?

I get it. Trust me, I do.

But it’s something to keep in mind, all right? Even if it’s too hard to actually do right now

The whole finding your reason thing

Just try to keep it in mind when you can.

[Hank almost leaves it at that. He isn’t sure whether Accelerator would push him for an answer to his question, anyway.

But it means something — his willingness to answer.]

Connor

Connor’s my reason.

[Hank imagines typing out: And my son, too.

But that’s a whole other can of trauma he’d rather not pry open today.]

[He almost, almost types out that he has nine thousand nine hundred and seventy-one reasons - nearly two billion if he wants to count all the students in the city - but he doesn't want to talk about the Sisters. It hurts too much to do so with people around here.]

If you've got him, does that mean you're working on not drinking anymore? Or at least as much?

[It seems like a reasonable question. Hank's made it clear he hasn't completely stopped, which does bother Accelerator, but it does make him curious as to how he's handling having someone good in his life. Accelerator has people, even if they aren't here, and this is something he thinks about a lot. He knows he isn't the best person to be around Last Order, even though he tries, and there have been plenty of days where he's thought she'd be better off without him in her life, despite her stubbornly insisting otherwise.]

It’s a process

[Which is an absolute non-answer, yeah, and also Hank’s way of saying “kind of.”

Sort of.

Yes and no.]

It’s like Connor helped me turn on a light but the switch got stuck halfway

And it’s all flickery and shit

Like I said. A process.

This place has been

Not good for me

[Obviously. But:]

I thought I wouldn’t give a shit about anyone I met here but that hasn’t been the case

Which is fucking strange. Makes the whole “battling for our worlds” or whatever kind of weird

But there are people here who I think about when I do stupid shit. Sometimes it keeps me from doing the stupid shit. Sometimes it doesn’t.

But they still make me want to be better

[A process. That makes sense. You don't just completely change a habit that affects so much of your life, not only is that potentially dangerous but rewiring the brain by sheer willpower is an incredibly difficult thing to do. It's unfortunate to hear Hank hasn't been able to kick his addiction, but Accelerator understands why.

That's why he chooses to drop some really shitty information. It's better that Hank is aware.]

A lot of people leave. Not that I've sat down and done a whole survey to figure out the statistics, but people only usually stick around for a couple months before disappearing.

[Which his detached way of saying people disappear sometimes, and it's really painful.]

I guess one good way of looking at it is that even if this place is dogshit, you might not be here very long.

That’s kind of why I was getting fucked up at Heather’s party.

Was drinking anyway but Gorgug got to talking about missions and he was saying if I don’t wanna do them so badly, maybe they’ll just send me back

[Gorgug was saying Aurora or whoever might’ve given him a robot baby for a past mission, which was another horrifying thought.]

I guess it’s one thing to be sent here without our consent y’know, then a whole other to be kicked out for whatever reason

Never really thought about it honestly

Figured I’d just be a fuck up here and they’d blow up my world, then I’d be stuck here or they’d figure out a way to really kill me

Don’t know if I’d wanna go back now. Who knows if the world’s all fucked up??

I didn't go to it. I'm not a party kind of person.

[Sounded like a horrible time, so he's very glad he skipped it.]

I guess it makes sense to think like that if you don't have anyone you're responsible for back home. If there's nothing to go back to, what's the point?

[Asuka thinks similarly, having made it clear that her universe is completely fucked and that she doesn't want to go back, so he can't really fault Hank for this.]

Etraya Inbox

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cn: reference to Hank’s son’s death

cn: talk of alcoholism

cn: talk of alcoholism

cn: talk of alcoholism

cn: talk of alcoholism

cn: talk of alcoholism